Dan The Dad (Phan)

3

I finally worked up the courage to go knock on his bedroom door, he didn't answer and I got worried. The door was unlocked so I slowly opened the door to see him laying on his side in the fetal position quietly crying.

"What could you possibly want from me?" He sniffles "I gave you everything, I gave you myself for years and years only for you to lie to me for most of it." I had never seen him this upset, ever. I walked closer and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Sorry isn't even enough, there's no excuse I can give that could ever be enough. I love you so much and I will love you forever, I made the worst mistake of my life, and now I have a child. She's mine Phil. I don't mean to drop this all on you all at once. I can leave for tonight if you want, but she'll be here in the morning so I can see her and I- I don't know what to do."

"Please tell me you're joking." He started crying again with his back turned to me. "Please let this be a joke." He begged.

I laid down in the bed and wrapped my arm around his waist and put my forehead against his warm back.

"I'm so, so sorry Phil." I began to tear up again now too. "Please forgive me." I rubbed my thumb across his forearm.

"Just get out Dan, I'll be gone by morning." He said.

"Please don't. It was a mistake. I love you." Tears slid down the side of my face and ran into my hair.

"Get out." He said again. I had no choice but to unlatch myself from his warm body and get out of his bed.

I sat on the couch and cried hysterically for a bit until I was able to pull myself together. I put my shoes on and and grabbed a jacket and my keys and left the flat to see it was dark out now.

As I walked down the street I realized how red and puffy my eyes and nose must have looked. I didn't know where I was going, I didn't know what I was doing.

How would I tell my family? How would I tell everyone else? What if Phil never forgave me and never came home. I felt tears start to sting my eyes again, I thought I had ran out by now, but I guess I was wrong. I put my head down and tried to just suck it up even though every part of my body and brain wanted to collapse on the pavement in a heaving, weeping pile of grown man tears.
The more I walked, the more I became numb and was able to sort my thoughts out.

Someone once said to me, maybe it was Louise or maybe it was my own mother, but they said that you should always put your children before anything and everything, but how was that possible? People couldn't actually do that could they? I decided I should at least try.

Out of habit I found myself going in Asda. People were looking at me, but I really didn't care right now, I just liked the familiarity of being in a store where it was easy to pretend I just ran there to pick up something and it was a normal day. Thoughts of if we needed anything for the flat rolled through my mind but all I could think of was how I now magically had a child and how Phil didn't love me anymore.

I passed by the toy isles, but circled back around and decided to have a look.

I found myself standing in the girls section just lurking possibly looking like a pedofile on the prowl and looking at the age suggestions on toys and feeling overwhelmed by all the pink and sparkles this isle had stuffed in it.

What if she didn't like toys? What if she didn't like pink toys? I liked pink toys as a child, mostly because I'm a little gay, but what if she liked blue toys? What if she was more into creating things instead of brushing a dolls hair? An easy bake oven? Would she somehow get burned on it? A puzzle? What if she wasn't old enough for a puzzle? I was so lost and out of my element here.

I pulled out my phone and just googled "what do four year olds like to do?" And pulled up the first suggestion.

Fly a kite.
Bitch where? It's always raining here.
Point out the consolations
Yeah, but I'll have her during the day
Water balloons
Where? In the flat? No thank you.
Plant a garden
Our house is a garden thanks to Phil's plants
Make a sandcastle
I live no where near a beach
Dig for worms
Eww no.
Search for fairies in the garden
We don't have one
Build a snow man
With what snow?
Collect rocks
Also eww no.
Watch bugs
The biggest eww no.

Well, I'm fucked. I knew absolutely nothing about small children and according to this website she was still a toddler. What had I gotten myself into?

I began picking from the shelves a bunch of different things hoping she would like at least one of them. I cursed myself for not getting a trolley as I made my way to one of the check out registers.

The older woman smiled at me before looking down at the toys and I suddenly felt defensive.

"These are for my- I'm babysitting a four year old tomorrow." I corrected myself.

"Oh gosh. I have a four year old granddaughter, she's such a handful." She laughed instilling more fear into my already terrified and sad soul.

"I'm really looking forward for my flat to look like a tornado ripped through it." I tried to make a joke and gave a laugh.

"Oh trust me, you'll be picking things up for days." She said before telling me my total. I payed, thanked her and got the hell out of there before I decided to break down and cry and spill all my problems to the sweet old woman who meant well.

On the walk home I still felt very very sad, but a little more accomplished. Despite what the cashier had said I kind of felt like maybe I could have a handle on this, that maybe this wasn't a bad thing.
Phil and I had always wanted a kid and now magically (not really, through infidelity and dunk sex actually) dropped into our lives, and it wasn't like we even had to have her all the time, she lived with her mum. We wouldn't have to wake up at night and prepare bottles, or change poop (assuming she was potty trained, four year olds were potty trained, right?) I mean this could be really easy. I just had to convince Phil that this would be a good thing... And make him love me again, but that would be the hardest part. I had this in the bag.

Or so I had thought until I got home and put the toys on the kitchen counter.

I went to Phil's room door which was cracked open and dark.

"Phil?" I whispered "you awake?" I asked but once I didn't get a reply I went in. The light from the hall spilled into the room and across his bed for me to only find it empty.

"Fuck." I uttered and took out my phone and called him only to not get an answer. He had left me.