Dan The Dad (Phan)

13

What was wrong with being gay anyway? Being gay wasn't a bad thing, I should just be able to just tell her.

"Well you know boys like girls, and girls like boys?" I asked her.

"But I don't like boys." She said "Mummy said I'm too little to like boys. I like you though!" She said.

"That's not quite what I mean. You know that boys and girls fall in love, right? And older boys get girlfriends and older girls get boyfriends." I explained and she nodded, you could of heard a pin drop in the complete silence of the room. "And that's okay that they do that, but some girls like girls and some boys like boys." I said but she still didn't seem to get it. "I like..." The words seemed so hard to say for some reason "I like other guys, that's what gay is." I said.

"So you don't fall in love with girls?" She asked.

"No." I said.

"What about mummy?" She asked looking sad now.

"Uh oh." I heard Adrian quietly mutter.

"No." I said again.

"But mummy said babies are made when two people love each other. How was I made then?" She asked and I was at a loss for words again, my brain scrambled to try to think of something.

"Through a miracle!" Adrian exclaimed and clapped his hands together and she looked at him then back to me.

"Yeah, it was quite a miracle." I said stunned he was able to come up with such a child friendly answer and I was also happy I didn't have to explain any more than that.

Dinner went pretty well considering my family was meeting my child for the first time they didn't even know I had. My family had left by the time Allie arrived to pick up Megan who was still excited and bouncing off the walls.

"Mummy! Mummy! I met my new family!" Megan said making Allie's eyes shoot to me as Megan constantly jumped up and down. Allie didn't know I was going to do this, I hadn't told her at all mostly because I didn't want her to stop me or tell me to wait.

"Did you?" She asked Megan but her voice was laced with fire. Shit.

"Yup." Megan continued to jump up and down over and over and over "I also learned Daddy is gay! Do you know what that means? He likes boys!" She said proudly making Megan's fiery eyes ten times more intense on my face, I could almost feel the heat.

"You didn't tell me about this, Dan." She said in a cold tone.

"It's fine, she was excited to meet them." I assured her "and there's nothing wrong with being gay." I said as Megan continued to jump and down at a fast pace making Allie seem more agitated.

"No, it's not fine." She said through gritted teeth.

"She's happy about it." I pointed out.

"Mummy, mummy, mummy" Megan began continuously saying but Megan's concentration along with what seemed like all her hatred was on me.

"I don't think you should be running around telling people yet." Allie hissed.

"Why not? She's my daughter." I argued.

"Mummy, mummy! Mumm-" Megan was suddenly cut off by Allie grabbing Megan's little wrist, hard.

"Stop it!" Allie yelled at her daughter.

"Hey, hey!" I said pulling a now crying Megan away from her. Megan easily came to me and wrapped her little arms around my leg and cried into it. "You can't do that to her." I said with anger in my voice.

"I don't love you anymore mummy! I love daddy because daddy doesn't do that!" Megan cried making this whole situation even worse.

"Come on Megan!" Allie yelled at her but she didn't respond "I said come on!" Megan looked up at me sadly from slightly tear dampened leg and I returned the look back down to her not knowing what exactly to do. That's when I made my decision that was going to follow my dad's advice.

"Go along with your mummy." I told her but she didn't want to unclasp her hands from my leg. "Go on." I told her calmly "it's okay."

She left my leg and went over to her mother in defeat with her head slightly hanging, I could of cried.

Her mother took her hand and marched out the door with her slamming the front door behind her.

I ran my fingers through my hair and let out a sigh. I needed someone, but the someone I needed didn't want to be part of my life anymore. I finally broke down and started to cry. I sat on the sofa and pulled out my phone out and debated on calling Phil for a good twenty minutes. When did I become too proud not to beg for him? When did I become so stubborn? I needed him and I was going to let him know that even if I sounded like a complete idiot.

My thumb shakily touched the contact that said Philip with a little heart beside it. I put the phone to my ear and listened to what seemed like a thousand lonely, ghostly rings. I knew his voice mail would pick up any second and I started to pull the phone for on my ear.

"What do you want?" I heard his voice shocking me, it felt like forever since I had heard it last.

"I-I just wanted to know if you have that video you took of-" I began with a shaky voice and a sniffle but he cut me off with his sharp tone.

"I emailed it to you." He replied. I hadn't even been on the Internet in so long my emails have probably built themselves up to an insane amount by now. Once I realized that, I realized this wasn't me, this was the depressed me, the me without him, the me that didn't seem to enjoy anything.

There was along silence and I thought he had hung up.

"Please come home." I begged to possibly no one "Please." I waited and didn't hear a dial tone letting me know he was still there, he just was silent. "I was wrong, I need you Phil." I started to cry hard again. Was he even listening? "I'll do anything." I now said feeling even more pathetic with each word I said or possibly with each word he didn't say. "I can't do this all by myself and all I can think about is you, it's driving me absolutely mad. I've lost a part of myself, I've lost the ability to enjoy anything and nothing feels right. I swear to god I haven't even seen the sun since you've been gone." I began to feel hysterical from the silence over the phone "Please! Please!" I wailed "Just tell me your coming home! Just say anything! Please!"

"Goodbye Dan." I heard his voice finally but they weren't the words I desperately wanted to hear. There was a small click but I refused to hang up even when the long beeps came on confirming that he had indeed hung up.

"No, no no." I begged and threw my phone across the lounge and watched it bounce off the side of the leather chair. It felt good so I picked up a sofa pillow and there it too, and another, and another until I was all out of pillows.

I fell like I was really finally starting to come apart. I couldn't do any of this without him, I had been saying it, but now I meant it. I wasn't sure at all how to function without the man I had been with since I was eighteen. Suicide crossed my mind but was quickly taken away by the sad look my daughter had given me not long ago, popping into my head. I was a twat for even thinking of such a selfish thing.
I then made my second decision of the night, I wasn't just going to let Phil go, I couldn't. I was going down kicking and screaming and telling him how much I loved him until he either came back or he filed some sort of restraining order against me. Yeah, it sounded creepy, but I was absolutely desperate and the only possible option felt like I had left.