Dan The Dad (Phan)

7

"What do you think of children?" I asked Phil as we laid in his bed. We held hands and his thumb gently ran over the top of my hand.

"I love children, I just don't know when the right time would be." His head was nestled between my shoulder and my neck which he would plant gentle kisses on every so often.

Our bodies were warm but bare of clothing under the sheets and his colorful comforter where our legs were tangled. It was one of those late nights where we just stayed up talking again.

"I've been thinking a lot lately about it." I said.

"I know." He gave an amused laugh "This is the third time this week you've mentioned something about it. Someone's got baby fever."

"Shut up." I joked "I can't help but think you would make such a good dad." I smiled at the thought of him with a baby.

"I just don't think we're ready yet, you're only twenty four." He said.

"But I heard adoption takes a while and maybe if we start now then we could have our baby by next year and maybe then we could be ready." I stated.

"It takes a lot to prepare for a baby, Dan. A lot of money, a lot of time, a lot of things. And the baby wouldn't really be ours by blood." He said.

"That doesn't matter to me, none of it. I'd love to see you holding a baby and playing with it. You know a lot about children and you're so good with them, if anything you are far more prepared then I am." I said.

"Exactly, I just don't think you're prepared just yet, and plus it would be hard to find with a baby randomly crying. We have our whole lives to have children, let's just wait a bit longer." Phil said trying to let me down easy.

"I suppose you're right." I said not feeling my words at all. "I love you."

"I love you too. I promise that day will come." He said and kissed my cheek.

I realized I was spacing out in the produce isle staring at bags of grapes with an empty grocery basket in my hand. I felt my eyes once again sting as my phone vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out in hopes of it being Phil, but instead it was a text from Allie.

I began to wonder if I could even do this anymore, that maybe if I backed off of And just let Megan go then maybe I could get Phil back and pretend this never happened.

"She won't take off her rain galoshes because you said you liked them, she's sleeping in them." Allie sent.

Oh god, what was I thinking? I felt ashamed of myself for even thinking I could break this little girl's heart who was half of me. She desperately wanted to know what it was like to have a father and I hadn't been there this whole time, I couldn't back out now.

"I think she knows. I didn't tell her, but I think she knows I'm her dad." I sent Allie back.

"Don't be silly, she's only four, she doesn't know." Was her reply.

Maybe in the back of her toddler mind she was piecing it together, or maybe she had some kind of intuition. I knew she liked me, or  maybe Allie was right, maybe she didn't know.

"She likes me, and I'm not going anywhere. When do I get to tell her?" I asked.

"Give her some time." She replied.

I picked out some juice and some food items I thought kids would like, Phil liked them, so I was pretty sure a child would too. It had only been a day without him and I already missed him so bad, but I had to do what I had to do.

I thought a little bit more on teaching her things so I picked up a few educational flash cards too, I didn't want her to grow up and lose her intelligence, if that was possible.