Dan The Dad (Phan)

8

It was about eight when she fell asleep on my lap while watching TV. I couldn't help but think that this was how it should be, the only thing I was missing was Phil, I missed him so badly. He had promised one day we would have a child, I could have never seen it turning out like this.

How would I explain to her that I'm her father or why I've been gone this whole time without making her mother look awful? I couldn't turn this little girl against the woman whose been raising her. How would I tell her that I loved another guy, or would I even have to? I felt so scared for everything but when I looked back down at her laying in my lap I just felt reassurance wash over me, everything would be okay somehow.

I'd only known her a few days but something had been kicking in in my brain when I was around her, something I didn't know I even had, I think it was the instinctual father in me. How could I love someone so much that I had only known for three days? Maybe it was the way she spoke like me, or maybe it was the way she acted like me when I was little, I don't know, but I loved her. I felt a tear run down my cheek unexpectedly.

"Oh god, I need to stop." I whispered to myself before quickly wiping it away with my palm. But I just couldn't stop, it was like the realization hit me all at once, everything just hit me. I felt guilty for how stupid I had been days before thinking "I had the easy part" and for asking myself if people actually could care about their children more than themselves and for thinking "I'd only have her sometimes" I now wanted her with me all the time even though she was quite the handful I felt like it would be worth it because of the joy she brought me. I felt overwhelmingly happy too, just from her being here, just to get to see what someone I helped create looked like and how smart she was. I also felt sad that I didn't get to see her as a baby and mad for not even knowing she existed for so long. I wiped the tears from my eyes again as I heard a knock at the door.
I carefully moved her tiny sleeping body as gently as I could so I could get up without waking her.

I answered the door for her mother and I held my finger to my lips.

"She's asleep." I whispered and I realized how much it had sounded like I had been crying.

"Are you alright?" Allie asked.

"Yeah, I mean I guess. I was just thinking about how much of her life I've missed. I don't know, I think it really all just set in." I told her.

"If you can't handle it-" I cut her off.

"No. No, I can definitely handle it. I want to see her as much as I can." I whispered.

"I was thinking weekends." She said.

"No. I want to see her more than on weekends." I objected.

"She has school, Dan." She said.

"I'll get her from school then." I said.

"Sometimes she has ballet after school." Allie said argued.

"Them I'll get her from there." I said defiantly.

"We're busy through out the week." She said making me frustrated.

"Allie, you owe this to me. I didn't even know she existed for four years, you owe me time with my daughter." I said becoming mad.

"Dan, I don't owe you anything. I'm the one who's been raising her, I'm the one who gave birth to a little girl the result of a one night stand with a gay man, excuse me for not thinking you would want her."

"I have more time for her." I argued.

"Until you zip off to America again or where ever." She said.

"I'm not going to leave my child and I'm not going to just see her two days a week." I put my foot down "you're not going to do this to me and you're not going to make this hard. I'm going to tell her next time I see her, and you're going to let me tell her." I clenched my teeth and spoke. "I don't want her to hate either of us, so don't make this bad."

"Fine. I'll have her nanny drop her off after school except for Wednesday's and Friday's when she has ballet. We'll tell her together next time she's here, I'll come with her tomorrow. She'll arrive around three thirty." Allie said coldly.

"Thank you." I said.

"Where is she?" She asked and I led her into the lounge and carefully picked her up and handed her to her mother.

I was sad to see her go today, I just felt sad in general tonight, sad and alone.

I felt a bit better the next day but I kept Phil's bedroom door closed so I didn't have to look in it when I walked by. I sent Allie a text with a bunch of questions I had been wondering about.

"When's her birthday? What's her full name? What is her favorite color? What's her favorite food?" Just simple things.

"November 16 2012, and Megan Rose Harper, the rest you should ask her." She sent back.

"Her fifth birthday is a month and a half away?!" I said

"Yes." She replied.

"When will you be here?" I asked anxiously.

"3:30 Dan, be patient she's not even off school yet."

I didn't really know what to do for the next few hours, I was really lonely and I needed to keep busy to prevent myself from being sad. I decided to post on Twitter and reply to some people for a bit longer than normal. I then scrolled through tumblr, which I haven't really done since my life was normal... What is normal anyway? I probably mean before the news that I had a child.
How long could I keep her a secret from everyone? If I told fans would they go ballistic over her and start writing her into creepy fanfics? I don't want her to grow up being in some kind of spotlight, maybe her mum didn't either. I stopped my mind from wondering and worrying once again. Today I got to tell my daughter I was her father, this should be the happiest day of my life, I can't let my destructive mind ruin it.

I heard the door click and footsteps.

"Dan." Phil's voice came from the lounge doorway. "I'm ready to talk now."

"I'd like to, I really would, but I just can't today." I said turning around to see him look sad. "I'm telling Megan that I'm her dad today."

"Oh. Right. I'll be in my room for a bit." He said and walked off. Had he forgiven me? Was this a step in the right direction? Had he come home? I suddenly felt more hopeful than down.

Not long later there was a knock at the door and I jumped right up to answer it.

"I don't know why mummy came today, she's supposed to be at work." Megan said as she led her mother through the door with her little pink backpack on.

"We're all going to have a talk." I said and she took my hand and I led them into the lounge.

I sat her down on the couch and I crouched down in front of her.

"Did Dan buy you all these toys?" Allie asked looking at the big box of toys in the corner and Megan nodded. I've never felt so nervous in my life, especially not in front of a little kid, but she was my little kid.