I'd Do Anything: A Phanfiction

Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Phil finally pulled away, but he kept his forehead connected with mine. Our noses brushed slightly, and Phil looked me straight in the eye. “Dan. That’s my reason.” He said with the most confidence I’ve ever seen him hold himself with.

I took a step or two back from Phil to contemplate this scenario. What? My mind went into hyper drive mode as it simultaneously decided to shut down. My thoughts could most accurately be described as one of those screens you might see with an error message that has tons of incoherent coding and text on it. I could try as I might to describe it, but there’s no accurate depiction of the inside of my head at the moment.

A·lex·i·thy·mi·a
Noun – Psychiatry
The difficulty experiencing, expressing, and describing emotional experiences and responses.

I remembered learning about this word the other day, and never thought it be so accurate at a time like now. I used it in a sarcastic way in joking about what fandoms make you experience on multiple occasions, and I advised everyone to stay away and out of all fandoms. But this? I never though this would apply to me trying to figure out what was happening after being kissed by my best mate. 

What is happening PHIL!?!?? Did he kiss me? What is happening BKJczbU ERROR I’m sorry, the emotion you are looking for cannot be expressed, please try refreshing or-or-or-or-or come back later too-two-2-to try again. Nfkjdn2832????...?// DOES lkfdno NOTjnd klfkjsh COMpreHENd. 09 8473918   DANISNOTONFIREABLETOTHINK øœ∂∆ dajsln WHAT….

That was the best way to describe the inside of my head at the moment. I tried to sort some of this out by trying to slowly work out what I did and didn’t know

Phil kissed me. Fact. I am like 89% sure this happened. Why? He said “Dan. That’s my reason.” Reason? Reason for what? I think I asked him a question before that happened. What was happening? Why was I here? Everything makes no sense right now. I’m probably asleep. I concluded. I think I let a small smile drift to my lips. Right. I’m just sleeping. I’ll wake up from this nightmare anytime now and everything will be normal and ok again. 

“Are you going to say anything?” Phil asked bringing my attention back to him. Silly dream Phil, I’m not going to say anything because this is a dream. This is not a real event that is actually happening in real life. I smiled at him pitifully.

The longer I looked at dream Phil, the sadder I felt. The longer the quiet drug on, the more dream Phil looked concerned. He looked regretful. I felt bad for him, but remembered that he is not real and he will go away soon.

 Why was this dream still happening? I thought. Nothing is happening, why aren’t I waking up yet?

“Dan, please say something. I’m standing here like an idiot right now.” Phil said bringing me to look at dream Phil again. Why was he still here?

I should probably tell him he’s not real, so that way he doesn’t feel as sad. “I’m sorry, but you’re not real.” I said. Out loud it sounded a lot stranger than I thought it would.

“What? Dan, what are you saying, of course I’m real!?” The dream Phil insisted. I shook my head at his ignorance. 

“I’m really sorry. You’re just in my head, you’ll go away when I wake up.” I told him again trying not to upset him any more. However this seemed to make him very angry. I wished I could just wake up already. 

Dream Phil grabbed my shoulders. Wow, this was the most realistic dream ever. “Daniel. Howell. You are awake. And. I. Phillip Lester. Just. Fucking. Kissed. You. So quit whatever you’re doing. And give me an answer.” Phil said. No. He was wrong.