I'd Do Anything: A Phanfiction

Chapter 16

Chapter 16

It was the first day of May when Dan had finally shown some proof to his existence. This was also the first time since he left that I had a smile on my face. Two days ago I had given up on texting him.

At this point I had decided if he wanted me to know where he was he would've said something by now. I must've really hurt him and I felt horrible. If he was just mad, he might've come back already, but he hasn't so I decided that must mean he's upset. I didn't want to imagine anything worse...

His acknowledgement to the world included one tweet with just 3 characters. It wasn't particularly detailed tweet. In fact, it was a pretty ambiguous tweet, and I can't help but feel responsible for it. That may or may not be self centered, but I'm pretty sure if I had to guess I'd be right.

@Danisnotonfire:
</3

That was all. A heart split through the middle. A lot of people were tweeting him asking what it was about. Some had guessed, and a few of their theories were pretty close. I'm not sure what it means, but I'm almost certain I've crushed him. Why else would he feel the impulse to tweet a broken heart with no context?

I was still smiling though because this means wherever he is, he has access to the Internet. In my head, this meant he was safe. Surely Dan wouldn't be on the Internet if he were starving or in danger.

Even if I'll never see him again, which at this point I've pretty much accepted, at least he was okay. I was smiling indeed, but it was a sad smile. One riddled with sorrow and loss. But a smile nonetheless.

~

To: Amazing Phil

'I need to come by and get my stuff'

I lingered on the send button. I had done a good job ignoring Phil's texts. That was until he quit sending them. I felt abandoned. Maybe this is how I was making him feel by ignoring everything he was sending to try and reach me. He probably quit texting because he quit caring about me. Either that or he was giving up on me... or he thought I was dead.

I felt bad for the fans. I disappeared without telling them anything. I know all my social websites were probably blowing up. Some probably confused about the whole picture ordeal, and wondering if they were even real, and others worried about where I had gone and why I hadn't tweeted in weeks. I decided to send out a tweet finally, but I still couldn't think of anything to tweet. I wanted to let Phil know I was ok and still cared for him, but didn't want to be too wordy since twitter is a public place.

For awhile I couldn't think of anything to tweet. If it's too specific, I could make the fans more worried than they already are. They would also press for more details. I couldn't think of anything that would let Phil know I was alive without being too direct or too indirect. What do I tweet?

After maybe 10 minutes, I eventually settled on a broken heart and quickly logged out after hitting send to avoid seeing any reactions.

Over the past few days, I had explained to Chris what was happening and he was accepting of me. He gave me his advice and offered his opinion, but I just nodded and kind of ignored him. He also told me I could stay as long as I needed. I decided I couldn't live off him forever, so I started looking into getting my own place. Chris reminded me almost daily that I should let Phil explain, but never pushed me to do anything. I even considered this for a while, but now I figured I waited too long seeing as he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

I deleted the text to Phil, and decided I'd just go by without saying anything. With any luck, it would be unlocked and I could get in and out without Phil noticing me.

~

"Chris, I'm going to Phil's to get the rest of my stuff." I said on my way out the door.

"Right now? Are you sure you want to do that?" He shook his head. "Ignore me. Anyways good luck!" It was obvious to me that Chris didn't like this rift between Phil and I, but he also gave me respectable distance and didn't pressure me into saying or doing anything to fix the situation. I could tell he was upset I was leaving Phil's house forever, but he knew there was nothing he could do.

I nodded and went out the door dragging an empty suitcase I found in Chris's attic behind me. Thoughts of how this evening could go played in my head.

By the time I reached the door, I swear I had thought of every possible outcome including one with Phil dressed as a dinosaur. I stood there on the front step for about 15 minutes while composing myself. It felt oddly foreign standing there; almost as if I wasn't supposed to be there, or as if I were trespassing on some super secret government land. It felt wrong being here, but at the same time I longed to stay here. I cleared my head of these thoughts and reached for the doorknob - thankfully it opened.

I stepped inside as silently as I could manage, and pulled the suitcase off the ground to carry as to limit the noise it made. I made my way to my 'old' room as silently as I could.

I opened the door and jumped when I saw Phil sleeping in my bed. What was he doing there? Phil sleeping in my bed?

I looked at him. He looked awful. He looked as though he's hardly slept a wink since I left. I wondered if this was the first sleep he's had since I left. His hair was disheveled and in desperate need of a shower. His eyes were generally puffy and red. Overall he looked as if the Hulk came in here and threw him around a bit. Well not really. He didn't look beaten and bloodied, but he look malnourished.

He looked vulnerable.

I think I made a tiny whimper sound. I wanted to hop in bed beside him and hug him until he was better. I really hoped I wasn't the cause of this, but what else could be?

I silently went over to my dresser and closet and started to silently pull out all my clothes. I also grabbed my mac and some other things I didn't want to leave behind just in case I could never return after this. Phil stirred in bed and I froze.

Oh shit. He's going to wake up and see me, and this cannot happen. I froze in my spot, watching him toss and turn. He mumbled something...

"Dan..." I could swear he said my name, but that could just be my imagination playing a nasty trick on me.

After Phil settled back down, I finished packing most of my belongings. I had to sit on the suitcase to get it to close even though it was ginormous. I decided to write a note to Phil - so he didn't think he was robbed - to leave in the kitchen.

I couldn't carry the suitcase anymore so I wheeled it slowly to try and minimalize sound. I found pen and paper and went to the kitchen to write it.

However, just my luck I forgot about that damn glass door and walked right into it. Not only that, but I fell backwards into the suitcase making myself trip into the wall with a loud crash.

"Shit." I mumbled and rubbed my head. I got back up, and I opened the door. I walked in and decided to write quickly now.

I thought for a moment thinking of what to say. Phil was my best friend, and if this was my goodbye to him I couldn't just write some shit. I would never forgive myself.

I turned around to find the light switch and jumped about 10 feet.

"Dan?" Phil asked standing tiredly in the doorway. He may have looked bad asleep, but awake was a whole lot worse.

"Uhhhh," was all I was capable of saying. My brain was frozen and all I could think was "Phil. Phil is standing there. Phil. What. Phil. Help."

"Why are you here?" He asked his voice cracking. He sounded like he hasn't spoken in weeks. Probably because he hasn't...

"I was just leaving." I said quietly.

Out of nowhere he ran up and hugged me. I stayed frozen as he hugged me. The hug lasted way too long for my preference. What is he doing? Phil hates me, he should not be hugging me. You do not hug someone you hate. This was not one of the scenarios I thought up earlier. It felt like he was never going to let go of me. I just stood there, not hugging back because my brain was not functioning properly. He finally let me go and said with another voice crack, "Don't leave."

"Phil, I have to go. I'm sorry I ran into the door, you weren't even supposed to know I was here." I said.

"No! I mean, let me explain! Please!" He begged. His eyes...

"Phil, there's nothing to explain! I heard what I heard, and you know that." I said, avoiding his eyes. A small part of me still wanted to hear what he had to say about this, yet I refused to admit this.

"No, I can fix things, if you want. Dan... I can! I know I can... Just give me a second chance..." He said quietly.

"Phil I really don't want to have this argument with you." I said wearily.

"Then let me explain!" He said.

"Phil I can guarantee anything you have to say won't change anything. I'm moving away and I don't want to make this harder than it has to be." I said.

"Wait, you're moving!? Away? Dan you can't!" Phil said.

"Phil it's my life and I'm a responsible adult. I can move or do what I like!" I said getting frustrated. I know deep down I was aching to stay, but I also knew that I couldn't stay. It wouldn't work.

"Dan... where have you been staying?" He asked after a pause.

"Chris's house." I answered. I felt I owed it to him to at least tell him that.

"Has he been feeding you ok?" He asked cracking a small smile. Phil was so unbelievably cute. He made a joke at a time like this by making it seem like Chris was keeping me as his pet.

"Yeah... actually why?"

"You're so skinny." He said. I don't think he meant that as a compliment either. I didn't think I was starving myself or anything, I just found that some days I just wasn't very hungry. I looked at Phil, and noticed his clothes look awfully loose as well.

"I could say the same about you." I said pausing. "What am I doing? I'm getting off topic! Phil I need to go. Give me one good reason to stay here and let you explain because I need to get going!" I exclaimed. I really hoped deep down that he had a good reason for me to stay because I really wish I could.

Phil looked at his feet for a while studying the ground. His eyes slowly came up to look into mine. We stood like that eye contact unwavering for a while. I looked into his tired blue eyes as he returned the look, staring into my brown ones. The blue wasn't as indescribably blue as it normally was. It was more of a jaded blue, a blue that had seen too many tears recently. It was silent for a bit while Phil was probably thinking of what to say.

I was beginning to think he wasn't going to give me a reason when he finally spoke up. "You want a reason to stay?" he asked more to himself than me. Yes.

"Umm... ya?" I said sounding unsure. I broke eye contact with him. I wasn't prepared to hear whatever he had to say to me.

At that moment he stepped forward to me, grabbed my face, and crashed his lips to mine. What the hell is he doing!? I couldn't process what was happening for a few seconds until I started to kiss back. Now what the hell am I doing!?

His lips moved with mine. He grabbed the back of my neck to press closer to me and I think I let him. It wasn't a dirty kiss more like drawn out but still passionate.

What. What is this? How am I supposed to feel? what.

My brain kept spitting out random questions as I continued to kiss him back. I don't know what I was doing, or what part of my brain was telling me to continue on because my brain felt blank. It was as if I was being controlled by something other than my own free will.

For some reason this went on for maybe 10 seconds more before I could gain control of my body again and push him off me. I actually have no idea how long it lasted. I had no way of telling time because everything seemed to be in slow motion.

I stared at him with my mouth slightly open, and he stared back. We stared at each other for what felt like 10 hours but was probably 5 seconds. He looked confused and a tiny bit... rejected??? My brain must've developed a tumor or something because it no longer worked.

"Dan. That's my reason." Phil said looking at me confidently in the eye. The confusion and rejection I saw just moments ago were long gone with no evidence they ever were.

I stared at him agape. How do I respond?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Right so:
1. Thoughts/comments?
2. Phan gifs on side
3. This chapter has an additional song that I felt went with the chapter: Photograph by Ed Sheeran
4. Revised on December 13th 2014 ;)
5. Just cuz I'm revising doesn't mean it's perfect - point out errors if you see them, please and thanks

<3