Let Me Be Your Hero

Chapter Twenty-Seven : Saving Myself

Classes started not long after I moved in and I was super pumped for it. I had to take some general classes as customary, but I was also able to take a couple of introductory courses for Emergency Services and that was really cool. The professors were great and I was so glad I decided to pick this as my career once they started instructing. I hadn't bumped into any more apparitions from my past, so that was very good. I even joined a couple of volunteer organizations and looked into an internship for next summer in the fire department. Things were feeling like they did before the camping trip again, but I still had a dull ache in my chest. I knew I was just trying to distract myself once more by making myself busy.

I found out there were on-campus counselors available for free to students and I contemplated going for several days. At first it was a silly idea to me. I thought; why do I need to go to a counselor? I'm totally fine. There's nothing wrong with me. But... then I realized that there are things wrong with me. A lot of things are wrong with me, actually. I had decided that day when I saved Aria that I was worth saving too. The first step to saving myself is to come to grips with the fact that there are things wrong with me and I need help. Keeping that in mind, I got up with Aubrey's alarm on Tuesday morning and marched right into that counselor's office on the other side of campus.

"Hi, do you have an appointment?" The receptionist in the lobby of the office asked.

"No..." I fidgeted with my hands. "Do I have to have one?"

"No, it's okay. " She handed me a pen and clipboard. "Just sign in and we'll call you when it's your turn."

"Okay." I started filling out the form with my information. "Thank you."

I waited for half an hour before a plump woman exited the room next to the lobby. "Melanie Sommers?" 

"Hi!" I got up to follow her in the room.

"My name is Tanya Jax, it's nice to meet you. Please have a seat." She gestured to a chair in front of a large mahogany desk. There were diplomas on the wall behind her and numerous thick books lining the walls. Everything was so neat I was scared to touch anything in case I were to mess up their order.

"Thanks." I sat, suddenly nervous about speaking to this stranger. This atmosphere feels more like a business transaction than a place to talk about my feelings.

"What has brought you here today?" She asked, looking directly at the computer's monitor. Great attention, lady.

"I've just been dealing with a lot of stuff lately and I feel I need to tell someone or I'll surely go crazy." I looked down at my fingers. Maybe coming here was a bad idea.

"Okay, you can start any time." She swiveled her chair to look at me over the rims of her eyeglasses. Okay, yeah, this was a bad idea. Talking to a rock might be less intimidating.

"It's a bit of a long story..."

"We have time." She grabbed a notepad and poised her pencil.

"It began when I went to a pool party as a kid..." I told her the story of when Jonathan saved me and how Melina started hating me and how I always thought Julian had saved me. I told her about meeting Jonathan in middle school and becoming best friends. I told her about 
Allen and how I hid the cause of his death from Jonathan. I told her how just when we became a couple Jonathan decided he wanted nothing more to do with me because of my past. I told her everything, leaving nothing out. My mouth vomited all the information and for the first time in forever I felt liberated telling someone else everything I've had locked up inside.

"Wow." She pulled back on her chair and took off her glasses briefly. "You've got a lot on your plate, hon."

I nodded and bowed my head. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to get better. Please help.

"This is a lot for one person to deal with and I'm glad you decided to come here and see me. Now, I'm not going to tell you you're going to be alright and fine anytime soon, but we will work something out so that you can feel better and become stronger despite these problems." She scribbled away on her notepad.

"Thanks, that's all I want."

"Okay, now I have a few questions." She flipped through her notes. "Was it your intention that Allen was hurt that day? Did you unthinkingly do it as a way to defend yourself?"

I gaped at her questions. "What?! Of course not! He was my best friend's brother! It really was purely an accident."

"Then why do you blame yourself for his death?" She looked me right in the eyes.

"Because if I hadn't been wearing what I was and if I had just gone home instead of trying to pull a stupid prank Allen would be alive and I wouldn't be in this mess."

"Let me stop you right there, honey." She got up from her chair and came to sit in the chair next to mine.

"What you said is not right at all. You are not to blame for what you wore and what you may have looked like to that man. He did something horrible to you that no one should ever have to experience. You are not to blame for the choices you make in what you wear or how he looked at you. Based on what you told me, he was a psychopath bent on abusing a helpless girl. Don't you dare for a second think that you are to blame for that man's behavior just because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time." She sounded so passionate about what she said I started crying. When it happened no one told me it wasn't my fault. My parents ignored it, brushed it off like I hadn't just been traumatized. Ashton was worse, blaming me every single day for it. Heaven's knows why I didn't break down worse any sooner.

"For a long time..." I sniffled. "No-no one believed me when I said I was the one that was almost physically abused even though I had bruises all over my body. Even as... as Ashton walked in and saw this man undressed and me crying for help, he didn't think once to trust his little sister's innocence. I never thought I was worth forgiveness. I pushed it all away. I put it in the back of my mind for so long. But, then it came back again and now I can't get away from it."

"We aren't going to solve all the problems today, but I want you to come see me at least once every two weeks. Today we will start with one thing on your road to recovery and we will gradually work on your moving on."

"Okay." I nodded, brushing away the tears.

"What I will need you to do is something really simple. You told me that writing that letter to Jonathan helped you, so we are going to have you do something similar." She flipped through her notes once again and followed along with her fingers as she said, "Write a letter to your parents, Melina, Ashton, the Holloways, and Jonathan again. You won't have to mail it, but in these letters I want you to be as honest with your feelings as possible and write in there what you don't have the courage to say to their face. Tell them what they wouldn't hear and what you need them to know."

"That sounds do-able." I agreed. 

"Great! Now, I want you to set up an appointment with Janice in the lobby and come see me either next week or in two weeks. Bring the letters if possible." She instructed.

"Alright." I got up. "Thank you for everything."

"I'm here for you anytime." She handed me a card with her number and name on it. Those words warmed me so much, I almost cried again. Even though she was still a stranger that happened to know the inner-workings of my deepest darkest secrets she made me feel better than the people that have known me my whole life.

I walked out of that office feeling more empowered than ever. I was still broken, but this time I was the one relying on myself to pick up the pieces. I have to save myself from all these demons and become the strong and happy girl I once was. No one will stop me. I will be free from my heartache. I told myself; Melanie Sommers, starting today you will not let your past define you. You are strong and you will move on.