Thoughts/ Excerpts

O N E

There will be no opening to this book...

...

Thought 1x:

I want to live before I die.

I kept on watching people, how they laughed with others, how they laughed, how they had fun with each other, going out to amusement parks and other cafés or places that they liked, I watched how they got hurt, how they were actually courageously facing this life, how one hardships came after the other in this world, but how they succeeded in this life, how they gave their all or just even a part of them to actually live...

I watched, sometimes it was even like in those books and movies, sometimes I even got on the screen or scene.
Sometimes I had to take a break from it, when it all became too much for me, actually you can consider me as someone who takes breaks everytime is this life, always, I always want to watch, I want to be able to be invisible to people sometimes.
But it doesn't work like that, just when I think, it's going to be okay, I can watch for a while, for a good while now, I secured my way out of the people's hearts to just be able to watch them.
I didn't let them in.
I kept them out.
But life sometimes shows you how difficult that is, how not talking to almost every person about personal matters can exhaust you, even though you try to distract yourself with the work you have to do, with the things you have to learn for school or wherever you go.
I'll just watch them, and if it gets too tough for me or if they notice me, I'll slip out of their hearts, even if they can still visiually see me.
But life doesn't work that way.
They suddenly become too important, there will be suddenly more people you have to think other than yourself, people who you can't even understand, people who are just too good to be putting value in you, such a worthless person.
People where everything looks perfect.
Even though you have to work hard, and you still fail, they can work and learn and get it their way, just how they want it, and if they fail or do something, which would look ridiculous on you, they just look so... perfect.
So easy.
Standing up after you've fallen so many times seems so easy,
Working hard, even though you've failed so many times looks so easy.
Getting into someone's heart without being afraid of everything they'll think about you seems so easy, trusting a person you just get to know seems so easy, living seems so easy:
Everything looks so easy on them.

They don't have to hide, they don't fail, they're perfect.
There's no way for them to fail or to doubt in whatever they do.
They are just so good to everyone,that you just think that it can't be true.
They never ask for help, even if they need it, but they still succeed in whatever they are doing, they are easy-going and so free.
Nothing like you.

And to some it will look like I don't think that I'm not enough, but they aren't.
As if I stay away from them just because they're not good enough for me, as if I can't look them in the eyes, just because I feel like they're cheap and not worth it, but: no.

If only they'd know!
I'm staying away, because there's no reason to! Why should you know about my sorrows and my diseases, when it's not going to help you.
God, knowing about me is not going to help them.
I'm weak, so I don't have the power anymore, to break down those brick walls that are honestly so high.
I've caged myself in, and there's no way for me to come out of this cage.

But still, I want to live before I die.

....
Maybe those thoughts and excerpts can be from me, maybe from other people, or from what I see; I don't plan on telling you from whom I'm writing about, and let's just keep it an unknown secret if you think you know from whom I'm writing about, please.

Ps: These thoughts or excerpts can be depressive at some point; so hopeless.
If you don't want to read them, don't.
You don't have to, I just want to or want the other people whom I write of, to feel free..

-04.08.2016