Thoughts/ Excerpts

T W E N T Y T H R E E

"I need help.

"I am aware of it. School matters, chores, personal impediments all crashing down on me, so many things on my mind. And I KNOW that it's not a matter of juggling things. Because I finish chores at 4 PM latest, hence have 8 more hours to do any school-related stuff, detract an hour for eating and other necessities and I have 7 hours left. Let's assume it's a day I'm tutoring someone and working for an hour. Thus, 6 hours would remain. 6 entire hours I could dedicate to studying.

"That's a lot. It's not a matter of having to juggle everything at the same time. It's my incompetence to prevent my folly laziness. When I finish work at 12 AM, there's 6 more hours I could make use of to finish off extra assignments, do miscellaneous work and reflect on the day, or whatever it is that needs to be done. But instead of dedicating the rest of the time to those studies, I sleep. I mean, I admit it: there are enough times where other people approach me to tell me I should go to sleep since it has gotten pretty late. I admit that sleep deprivation can result in some type of torpor. But if I fall asleep without having started to study for my maths exam I wanted to exceed in- and the math exam is due in four days,  pretty limited time if I want to be well prepared- I will NOT get the A. And no B either. I will fail. I will NOT fulfil the expectations that the teachers,  acquaintances and alike have of me. I. will fail. That's my reality.  Who says it's because of the things I have to juggle? It's because I am too incompetent to handle working hard. And you know what's funny? Two years prior to now, I would have called myself a pretty hardworking student, having almost all As and plans to work as hard later as well, I guess I took it too lightly. I guess I am overwhelmed. 

"Scratch that, I AM overwhelmed. I know I need help. I know I need to find the cause, the reason I want to do well. But where do I look? Who do I ask? Where do I start?"