Thoughts/ Excerpts

T W E N T Y F O U R

I am a really complicated person. I say very little, and if I do, I do it in an inarticulate manner.  

And nowadays, I have become ashamed of myself. You know, you were a person I had a decent relationship with, and you were willing to put up the patience to listen to me. So, I liked every conversation we had. Because you waited for my answer, or question.

And I was grateful. Because thanks to that, I had been able to do well.

But now that everything seemed to go downhill, I couldn't even muster up the courage to greet you. All I did was elude any contact I could have had with you because I knew that as much as I wanted to show you that I was doing well, you wanted me to do well too. 

You see, I overheard my classmate today. She said she received an appeal to babysit and coincidentally found out you'd been working in the same school she attended. She said your child was sociable and so cute. She said that she was so surprised because she didn't even know you were a teacher at her school until you said it. 

And after that, I felt so sullen. And so drained. And I questioned it. Because why would I ever feel sullen when it was great news, right? 

I remember her saying you and her talked a lot over the phone. And THAT's what hurt me the most. I mean, I've known you for four years now, and during that time, I was so awkward that we didn't even have a single conversation I recall that was NOT weird because I rendered it that way. And she's someone who didn't even see you, she just talked to you for a couple of minutes and could talk more comfortably despite the fact that she didn't actually know you.

I asked myself why I had to be so awkward, even around you, who helped me grow to some extent, who was patient with me. It is so unfair to you, who put so much effort into teaching me. I feel grateful. To you, who had helped me for so long. And I feel sorry. For not being able to talk to you, even though an almost-stranger can.

And I feel extremely sorrowful, beacuse I know that today I lost the very last chance to express any gratefulness, and clarify the misunderstandings.