celestial

xxii. THE MAGNET GIRL

xxii. THE MAGNET GIRL

written: august 7 two thousand 16
posted: august 19 two thousand 16

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she is told that she should value when a boy compliments her. when a boy notices her. when a boy pays any attention to her at all. whether he asks to borrow a pencil or whether he looks at her in passing or whether he tells her she's hot she's told to treasure it.

she is told she will marry a nice boy someday. he will be a prince. a knight in shining armor. he will sweep her off her feet and they will live happily ever after. so she envisions a wedding and names their children and imagines how in love they will be. but none of this feels like it's enough. something is missing. something is wrong. and she can't quite put her finger on it.

so she grows up, depending on the male gaze. depending on the words of any boy to lift her spirits. to make her feel good. she grows up, and she waits for that boy who will come and sweep her off her feet. who will make her feel like the queen she is. everything still feels wrong. she is still waiting and she wonders is he ever going to come? because she's met a lot of nice boys. a lot of princes. a lot of knights in shining armor. but nothing felt happy and it didn't feel like it would last ever after.

but one day

she meets a girl. the prettiest girl she's ever laid eyes on (and she's seen a lot of pretty girls). the kindest girl. the girl with the purest heart. the girl with a smile that lights up a room. the magnet girl. the girl who's laugh is an echo. and she thinks wow i really want to be friends with her. and so she does. they are good friends and they share everything and they tell each other all their secrets. but she never tells the magnet girl that she feels different around her. she feels good. she feels whole. she feels like she's been swept off her feet. she wonders why she feels she shouldn't say these things. she can't come up with an answer.

she sits with her mother and her grandmother in the sitting room and tea has been made and they are talking and sipping and her mother spits the word lesbian like it's dirty laundry and of course she knows what it all means. it means girls who love girls and her mother is appalled for a reason she can't understand.

later when she's laying in her bed she get's a text message from the magnet girl. and she doesn't answer but she thinks for a long, long time. she remembers all the nice boys she's met and how she never felt at home with them. she thinks of all the pretty girls she knows and smiles and feels fuzzy inside. she thinks of one girl in particular. and that's when she realizes.

the following week she and the magnet girl are sitting on a park bench and are talking about boys and when it's quiet for a moment she blurts out have you ever thought about girls? and magnet girl laughs and smiles and says what do you mean? and she replies girls... do you think about them? and magnet girl realizes what she is talking about. and magnet girl grins and nods and says of course, i do. do you? and she can't think of anything to say so she kisses her instead and everything is spinning and she feels like a god damn sin because that's what everyone always told her girls who like girls are but she can't hold it in anymore.

she is a girl who likes other girls. admitting it to herself feels strange but comfortable and it is a label that fits. she realizes why all those boys never made her feel special. she never liked them in the first place. she was just doing what she was told to do. what she'd always known. she no longer feels like something is missing. the realization was enough to cure that. and she is glad.

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- to all the girls who love other girls, i wrote this for us. i wrote this because society tells us we are wrong; that our love is wrong. please always remember you and your love are valid.