celestial

xxxv. TWO A.M. [...]

xxxv. TWO A.M. ON A TUESDAY

written: november 2 two thousand 16
posted: november 4 two thousand 16

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It was two A.M. on a Tuesday and I just remember wondering what an almost would have tasted like. I imagine I'd never know I was missing out on anything. In another universe I would have never known how his mouth tastes or what it feels like to make his heart beat faster than i knew was humanly possible. My cheeks would always be pale and my tongue would taste like my own and my clothes would lack his scent. 

It was almost nothing more than best friends. It was almost nothing more than a platonic I love you but now I can't seem to say the words enough and I can't seem to say them any more romantically. Maybe I was always meant to love him. Maybe in every single alternate universe in existence I am in love with him. Maybe I was always supposed to end up with him. Maybe the story isn't supposed to have a different ending.

I remember being compelled to go with my friends that day. The day I met him. I remember knowing I had to go or I was missing out on something huge. And I hate to think about my life without him, but I think about the what if's of that day all the time. I'd be a different person. A person who never learned about self-sacrifice; I would have never learned about the type of people who break themselves in half for others and who have no one to put them back together.

it was brought to my attention that everything happens for a reason and i realized it was always supposed to be like this. no matter how we got here, we were going to end up like this: in love and happy and selfless and careful.

it is eight P.M. on a Wednesday and i'm crying just remembering how fucking lucky i am. i'm so glad the taste of his mouth is so vivid in my mind when i think of him, i'm so glad i'm not missing a thing, and i am so glad i live in this universe where i'm crying because i'm glad and not because i'm sad.