xxxix. THEY SAY, ASHTYN, DON'T EVER GET MARRIED
written: november 19 two thousand 16
posted: november 19 two thousand 16
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"they ruined a lot for you didn't they?"
i once read a poem that said if you don't find love at home where do you find it? and it's tore me apart since.
i don't think they love each other [maybe they did once] i think they just put up with each other [as of now, anyways] i think i'm the reason they didn't give up sometimes i wish they would have because maybe we'd all be healed by now
i found love in poetry i found love in books i found love in myself i found love in the universe i found love in friendship but i don't think it ever existed in this home not that i can remember
i don't believe in the institution of marriage i think it's a hoax i think they ruined that for me, too, because when i think of marriage i think of yelling and screaming and dishes crashing and crying and passive aggressive comments and smoking another cigarette and the thought that nothing lasts forever
everyone looks at me silly when i reveal to them i won't ever get married and i won't ever have children. if you love me you don't need a piece of paper to prove it and if i bring a child into this world they would probably end up a ruin and who's fucking fault would that be
on days like this it all just feels like one big stain growing up has showed me the horrors of love and the horrors of life and the child version of myself doesn't know what to believe anymore because her mother and father always told her she'd grow up and marry a nice boy and she named her children before she went to bed that one night and she dreamt of fairytales and castles and she never imagined she'd have to worry about any of this. my love, go back to sleep and dream your sweet fantasies and hope to god you don't wake up 17 years old because if you do you'll realize all anyone ever does is scream and you'll find yourself crying ever other night for reasons you can't quite pinpoint
to top it all off my father tells me i don't need a boyfriend to hold me down when i go off to school. what he doesn't know is that i'd rather be smothered to death by the boy who shows me love than be smothered by the lack of love i find in this home. i overturn the cushions and all i find are loose coins. i clear my shelves and go through jewelry boxes and all i find are loose papers and rubber bracelets. if they ever read this and beg to differ i'd like them to tell me where they hid their love. because i've been looking since i woke the fuck up.
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a/n: i love my parents but they don't love each other and i think that's what really gets me.
YOU ARE READING
celestial
Poetry"positioned in or relating to the sky, or outer space" because everyone I love, loved, and will ever love does, has, and will fascinate me much like the stars in the sky do.
