celestial

xxxi. A DAY IN THE LIFE [...]

xxxi. A DAY IN THE LIFE OF HOW MUCH I THINK OF YOU

written: september 26 two thousand 16
posted: september 28 two thousand 16

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a day in the life of me
(and of how much i think about you)

12:00am:
the sun won't rise for another seven hours and nine minutes. i know you will rise long before her and i will rise long after. i find myself hoping you are sleeping and that you are sleeping well. i am half in a dream and half in reality. i still wonder about you until i drift off into a meaningful sleep. i hope to dream of you even if it will break my heart a little more, piece by broken piece.

7:11am

i wonder why he hasn't said good morning first. i know he's awake.

7:43am

i debate writing a new piece in his honor. the piece that would get him to change his mind. but i know i already did that. i tore my heart out and handed it to him on a silver platter. he says thank you and changes the subject. i think about wanting my heart back, but it's okay, because i know it's much safer in his hands.

7:50am
i don't even remember how we became friends, let alone best friends. it kind of just happened, and once it did everyone accepted it as universal truth. him and i were best friends. meant for each other.

8:26am
the sky is shades of grey and blue where the rain falls, but also yellow, red, orange, purple, and pink where the sun shines. i wonder if you've seen it and i wonder if you thought of me like i thought of you. this sky is as big of a mystery as you are to me.

8:30am
every song reminds me of him. colors. gasoline. a world alone. treacherous. yellow. nevermind. talk me down. the last time.

8:50am
someone walking past me in the hallway said his name. they weren't talking about him, but i jumped anyways.

9:18am
i'm sitting in math class searching for the intersection of D and E but he keeps seeping into my brain. i can't concentrate when he's always in my conscious mind.

9:37am
he asked me to tell him what's in my heart. i remember that i may have only told him half of it. i don't think he realizes. i don't know if i'll ever tell him. i don't know how to swallow my pride. i don't know how to beg.

9:51am
his shirt that i kept doesn't smell like him anymore-it smells like me. where else is there a piece of me that doesn't belong?

9:56am
i'll spend the rest of my life convincing him this would be good for the both if us. if it's pieces like this that will get him to change his mind, i will write a million. i'll serve my heart on a silver platter everyday for him if that's what it takes.

11:50am
i tell my friend the plan to tell him one thing i love about him everyday. a notification with his name stares me in the face. i find myself smiling.

11:59am
my teacher mentions the name of a band who i know he likes. i'm thrown back to the night i saw that band live. i remember talking to him that night. i remember wishing he was there.

12:38pm
my friend tells me about her boyfriend and they had a movie moment. i think of him and how i want to have movie moments. i want to hold him. i want to cry with him.

12:46pm
i scratched at my lips after i thought about kissing him. God, i can't believe myself.

12:50pm
"shut off some noise in your life, if only for a moment," and suddenly i realize i like it when the noise is blaring and definite in my ears. i like being spoken to by him, whether he's happy or angry. everything is loud-my feelings are clear, and i am comfortable.

1:09pm
i send him a snapchat and remind him that i think he looks cute today. for some reason this statement makes me nervous.

2:37pm
i think about kissing him when i should be studying permutations. i should be studying changes in society. the only change i care about is the one i need his brain to make.

10:04pm:
i've been at work all night but not a second went by that i didnt think of him. i see him in everything i do-even in the swirl of the coffee that i know he doesn't drink.

10:31pm
he says all he wants to do is talk to me but he has to sleep. the longing knocks on my ribcage and makes my heart beat faster. it's never simple never easy.

11:05pm
the feeling in my stomach is back but i've fallen in love with it. i see the new colour everywhere-in his clothes, in his smile, and it's in the colour of his eyes.

11:59pm
i'll think the same thoughts tomorrow and the next day and even next week. i'll always be thinking about him. i can't imagine a day where i haven't thought about him. i don't want to have a day where i don't think about him.