viii. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK [. . .]
[or alternatively titled: ASHTYN LIKES A BOY]
i fucking hate him for making me wait. but here's the really funny part - i promise you'll laugh - i don't hate him. not at all. in fact, i like him very much. want to know what i do hate? i hate that i like him very much. i want to press cancel on my feelings. no thanks. not today. try again later.
of course, i can write sonnets and haikus and angsty poetry in my sleep, but when it comes to him i can't even fucking speak. my feelings threaten to come out in the form of vomit. my words have escaped me and my mind is in the middle of a storm.
i think this is what they call infatuation. or, as i've once heard it referred to as, "the lobby to the art gallery of love." i hear love is supposed to be pure and romantic and full of bliss. . . so then what the fuck is infatuation?
* * * I THINK OF IT AS THE FOLLOWING * * *
picking at your lips until they bleed
the colours red and black
a thief in the night
warm and soft but cold and hard all at once
i've given a whole new meaning to the term "lovesick" - with the pit in my stomach and the constant fear of "i'm going to vomit everywhere" then seeing him and feeling like i've been punched in the chest but running towards him all the same. i can't eat and it's hard to sleep and he's all i can think about!
i want his face out of my head and i want these feelings out of my brain and i want my heart to stop beating so fucking hard at the thought of him i want to stop crumbling underneath all these feelings before all that's left is a pile of rubble.
i'll write the word FUCK out a billion times across a page in cursive writing to curse myself for feeling things. i add exclamation points and it looks like a beautiful work of art but it's my mind telling my heart to calm the fuck down for once.
but of course it doesn't work.
it never works.
* * *
written: march 25 two thousand 16
posted: march 25 two thousand 16
YOU ARE READING
celestial
Poesia"positioned in or relating to the sky, or outer space" because everyone I love, loved, and will ever love does, has, and will fascinate me much like the stars in the sky do.
