celestial

xxvi. THE FIRES OF INFATUATION

xxvi. THE FIRES OF INFATUATION

written: september 8 two thousand 16
posted: september 8 two thousand 16

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what do you do when you come to the realization that the feelings of infatuation are burning a fire in your body?

am i supposed to act on this? i'll write about it for days and days and days but i could never bring myself to say it out loud. but just then! the words I LIKE YOUR BROTHER slip from my mouth and almost instantly i regret it. in a state of grace i told the untellable. i reach out in front of me and pull the words back into my mouth. i crush them between my teeth in hopes to rid the world of them forever. they slip down my throat and scratch the lining on their way down. they make their way around my body and finally settle in the depths of my heart. the fire in my body roars louder and brighter than it ever has.

IT'S TOO LATE! the look on my face mimics his look of shock and now i feel sick. (god, why do i always feel sick?) the rough words that never meant to leave my heart have maimed my internal body and i am sore and bruised and so so sad. so so disappointed, and only in myself.

i close my eyes and think of the person i just told. i remind myself IT'S NOT HIS OBLIGATION TO AGREE WITH EVERYTHING YOU DO and of course i know this and he can see i'm visibly upset and he says WHAT'D YOU EXPECT? and softly i answer i don't know and he apologizes but it's not his fault - it never was - he shouldn't even have those words stored in his brain. i shouldn't have these tears stored in my eyes.

the flames of infatuation grew the fire in my body. they made me who i am inside. it's much too hot for me now. it's why i always feel sick. it's why i refuse to be touched. the flames burn a hole in my heart and blacken my lungs and it fucking hurts so bad. this is the beginning of the tragedy; the focal point for the holy mess this fire has created.

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