bobcaygeon | j.r. and p.w.

three | there's no hope until there's nowhere left to go.

a/n: this is important that you remember this chapter later. Josh is lamenting about losing his whole life that night.

{Josh's POV} July 3rd, 2016

I walked through the hotel, waiting for the rain to clear as I was trying to stop crying and trying to stop thinking about her. Amanda was my entire life since 2007 and I didn't remember anything else.

I usually cried a lot when I was in a private place, but I knew that I shouldn't be thinking about her. After we broke up, I went over to Brennan's house and we had drinks. Things happened. Everyone told me to go get tested and I did and nothing came up.

I'd known my entire life that I was one in 10000, that I could one day help someone with a kid or have my own kid. Amanda unfortunately found out and I got into trouble. She didn't like the idea, and I told her one day we could have a kid if she couldn't.

I hated myself.
I hate how I felt about this all, rearing myself apart over something I didn't even remember. I wish I could remember what Amanda was talking about, I had to make the choice that wasn't mine.

I fumbled in my pocket but kept forgetting I'd quit a year or so ago, being unable to bring the smoke to my lips because I remembered her doing so, my hands were shaking and itching because I missed doing this with her.

I missed when I was on tour, all the times I'd been whistling  to call Bennie out of the water. "Bennie! Get out of the water." I always spoke up, and she always ran right to me, her tail wagging and her head affectionately nudging my leg. "You're the only thing I need along with Tux and Anenomie. Pets are better than girlfriends." I always thought when I was near her.

The only problem is, I hadn't slept with a girl since Amanda. I hadn't even had any feelings for girls. Did losing Amanda  make me feel like I wasn't trapped. I'd always known I was bisexual, but I flat out lied. But was I closeted? I had to try to figure to that is.

I wanted someone who could watch the waves with me and find the world's string. Laugh with me and dance to Queen and 80s music that I loved and make fun of the modern radio. Make my life bright again like she did.

But all I had was my pets and my best friends, and I was happy, or so I thought.

My phone started to shrilly ring out on my bedside table and I opened my phone, rolling my eyes at the text I received from Matt reminding me we had a airplane for tommorrow to go to what had to be the third show of SPF80s.

I groaned in annoyance when I got up thirty minutes before we had to be at the airport.

I got to the airport when I felt someone fling paper at ther back of my head, or was it a Starbucks cup, I couldn't tell but when I saw the unfamiliar face, I didn't recognize him. He had blonde hair, with black roots. But had I imagined him? Because he looked like the person from my dreams that id wanted to watch the waves with.

I remembered saying goodbye and staring into honey eyes. My throat closed up from my anxiety, I didn't have anxiety at all but I felt super anxious, for some strange reason, walking up the steps of the airplane steps and feeling sick to my stomach from nerves.

"You're gonna be okay." I remembered those words, the last ones spoken to me by her. They left a acid taste in my mouth thinking of who I could have possibly cheated on Amanda with 10 years ago.

There was nowhere left to go.