bobcaygeon | j.r. and p.w.

13| I'm wide awake. | part two

Dedicated to iamcrazyiknow . Without what was the Me&Hell series, this story would not exist! It inspired it entirely.
^NOTE: the fanfic versions of the stories that I mention here have been removed from wattpad. They are turned into original versions and have been put back up. You'll still get the same idea of where the inspiration came from if you read the original story versions, it's just I wrote this when the other versions were up!
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{Josh's POV}

Waking up from my fainting spell made me feel like I was grasping at straws. They said the show would go on tonight, because I was not letting this get to me. I could t let the band and fans down.

"Be careful and don't strain yourself. We also have some news about  your baby." I knew by the way the doctor looked, and I knew it was going to be bad. "I am unfortunate to have to tell you this----"

"This has to be a mistake!" I exclaimed before letting him finish. I whimpered and wiped my tears, crying from the heart too for something real to come to me.

"It's not a mistake Josh, it's fate and I'm sorry." The Doctor left, and I didn't know what to say, but I curled up in a ball. We'd had one close call already -- why now? Was he okay?! I sniffles and sobbed, curling up in this ball.

"Josh." Pete came into the room, running his fingers through my blonde hair. "He's gonna be okay, I promise." Pete was wiping my tears.

"He's not okay Pete! The doctor practically said he's gone!" I sniffles and sobbed, wiping my eyes. "Why the hell did he have to go?!"

"You didn't miscarry!" Pete explains, looking at me. "Male pregnancies develop faster. Saint was at a six month stage of development. He's gonna be fine."

"I want to delay Last Crusade." I stated, "I want to be here with him so he can make it through this."

"They also said that Saint had a twin who wasn't meant to be born very early on." Wait, there was twins?! Holy fuck. Did I hurt my son's future twin when I fell? I sighed and kept trying to stop the tears from falling but I couldn't understand what I was trying to say. I was so upset and mad.

"I just.... I don't want this to happen to Saint to anyone ever again..... I want to be unable to get pregnant again. I want the stupid fucked up tubes gone and I want them out." I bitterly said, wanting to scream and cry. I wanted to not put another child through this. I didn't want to lose my second born son and now it was gonna happen and I was gonna scream.

"Josh calm the fuck down! I said Saint was fine!" Pete wiped my eyes, pulling me close. "Would Saint want you to cancel a show over him? No. Go do your show. He will be fine where he is."

"Please let this be a nightmare." I sighed and shrugged, not even wanting to feel like shit. "I want something I can't have, Pete and I want it. I wanna try again later and if we don't succeed I'm personally gonna rip out the stupid female parts I'm cursed with."

"Josh.... the doctors told me something." Pete nervously smiled. "Remember how you said when you were little, you have a period of blackouts? I wonder if you got messed with as a kid. I wonder if you had a accident before the one when we first did the thing," Pete said, and I was confused.

What the hell was going on? And was Saint alright? I looked at my stomach and felt for soft movements, relieved to feel the soft kicks of our tiny boy for months on end.

"Told you we didn't lose him. They said we almost did but they were able to stop the premature labor," Pete said, ruffling my blonde hair. "Besides, he's gonna be half of each of us, I don't think he'll be lost. He's strong."

"He's stronger than the both of us." I replied, my blue eyes meeting Pete's brown ones. I wondered who eyes Saint would have. Dark chocolate brown or sky blue.

"He's two months ahead in development so they said he'd be delivered at seven months," Pete replied, and I sighed. Damnit, gonna have a nice scar for years on end.

"I'm gonna go for a walk." I replied, getting up. Pete instinctively grabbed my arm, keeping me down.

"There's a nasty runor going around. Apparently your ex had a son, according to the rumor. So please be careful and be cautious." Pete said, grabbing my arm tighter and I wrestled myself away.

"I'll be fine, Pete... now stop!" I retaliated. "She's just being a jealous bitch!"

(A/N: I would never demean Amanda but she did rlly hurt Josh in real life, even if there's the possibility she wasn't the only one at fault.)

"Josh calm down! The doctor told me to not let you get stressed." Pete said, pulling me in for a tight but gentle hug. I could feel little fluttery kicks in my tummy. Huh, so Saint was fine and a little ahead in development. That's cool, and find with me in all aspects of it all.

"I can't believe Saint had a twin who passed away inside me," I said. "That sucks." I replied, sighing and wondering what it would have been like with two kids running around in this world. I'm not counting Bronx because he still calls Ashlee his mom and we aren't pressuring him about calling me his dad.

"Look, Josh. Everything happens for a good reason. This world takes lives and saves them. You almost died from a overdose , I almost killed myself because I was depressed and looking for a Out of my world. Everything was falling apart after you left," Pete said. "Josh, I know I'm being shitty towards you. I acknowledge that entirely. But we have our sons to worry about. If you want Saint to be a Ramsay, it's all up to you. But you might change your mind before he's born. I promise if you do I'll give you all the life you deserve."

"Pete....." I said, wiping my eyes. "You're full of shit half the fucking time but I love you for it, and you are the entire world to me. I can't believe I found you again. We're meant for each other. Our hearts beat the same. We've struggled and survived." I sniffled. "I wanna just stay here in this quiet moment but we have to face the world --- even if it sucks right now-- it's our world. We could live in bliss if you wanted and hide our problems or we could be honest."

"Josh.... I remember when I used to have to sing you to sleep, I remembered I had to try because my voice may be crap but I know a lullaby and you're gonna be calmed a lot I promise..." Pete started to, and I calmed down a little when he was hugging me. He made me fucking happy and I was glad for that.

"And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't wanna go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
When sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am....." He stopped but I'd fallen asleep standing up. He may have a shit voice but when he does the lullabies, he does have a nice voice. Everyone has a talent they're good at and one they're terrible at.

I was happy. And that's all that mattered in this world we lived in, and loved in. Even hearing that was making me smile and to be a happy fucking tall dude who had a goddamn amazing partner. And a awesome as fuck son, and another son on the way. I was happy -- and I was now wide awake to what love I deserved.