This Is Me

eight

I'm so happy, for the first time in 2 years I'll be spending a full week with daddy.
He said he would be here any minute now and I'm so anxious because I want to be with him so badly, I knew that mom would forget about daddy when she moved to Ralph's house.
Finally I hear the horn from daddy's car and run in his direction. Daddy is so tall and board, he gives the best hugs. I missed this.
"Let's go El?"
"Yes daddy!" I say with happiness.
Once we arrive I'm greeted by Amber and her sons.
"We're so happy that you'll stay with us Eleonor." Both Archie and Thomas were younger than me, Archie was 2 years younger and Thomas was 4.
When I met this two, Thomas was just a baby and his brother was 2 years old so for me they were my precious siblings.
"Princess you should unpack your things. You can save them here." Amber says.
I start unpacking and I can't take this smile from my face, I'm so happy to finally get to spend a full week with daddy.
"Eleonor, what's this?" Daddy asks. I look at he was holding, it was my favourite snickers, the ones he bought me two weeks ago. They were this little pink adidas with white stripes and I loved them but two days after we bought them mom said that they were too dirty and needed to be washed but the worst part was that they were ruined.
I really loved that shoes so I couldn't put them away like mom said, I continued to wear them.
"Sorry daddy." I said. I knew when daddy was mad, his nostrils became much bigger and he would narrow his eyes. Daddy was always peaceful but when he was mad everyone would be afraid of him.
"No problem El. I'll be right back" I knew that daddy would argue with mom, even though they were divorced the fights never ended and I was so sad...
"No! I know very Well that you did it on purpose!" Daddy yelled, I knew this would happen... " Don't even think about that, she'll stay here! No, she's happy. I don't give a damn about that! That's enough! Whatever, I'm sick of this!" I suppose it finally ended...
I hear daddy's footsteps coming in my room's direction.
"El, baby, pack your things."
"Why?" No, no, no... This can't happen.
"Because said she wanted you to go home or I won't be able to see you anymore" I can feel the tears starting to form but I cant cry, I can't let daddy know that I'm sad or he will blame himself.
"Ok daddy." I notice my voice starting tremble. "I'll be done in a minute."

I see Stephen.

I'm not seeing him as just a guy with the best body a girl could imagine, I don't see his tshirt or even his plump lips.

I see him.

I see the way his lips would curve a little every time someone did or said something funny, I see how he likes to pull his sleeves to hide his fists, I see his eyes getting brighter as our eyes meet.

Shit.

Stephen caught me staring at him.

I immediately have the best reaction one could think of. I run away. I can't do this today, not right now. I want to get away from the bubble I live in but I feel like I can't really do it right now. I want to see Stephen but I don't feel like I'm ready yet.

I want these memories away from my mind once for all but at the same time I need them and that's ehy right now I'm ruuning like a mad woman through these school's corridors, so I can run away from Stephen. My memories keep hurting me and I don't want to do anything bad, I don't want to ruin a possible memory with Stephen.

"Eleonor!"

I ignore it.

"Ele, wait!"

Don't stop to look at him, just keep running.

"Eleonor! For fucks sake..." his hand reaches my wrist and he pulls me to him but I manage to look away from him. "Eleonor look at me" Stephen demands. I can't, my eyes are swealing and I don't like when people see me crying.

"Just let me go Stephen. I'll talk to you later!" I manage to say.

"Promise me then, promise me that you'll meet ne at your balcony."

"I promise Stephen. Now let me go." I whisper the last part. I want to get away from him, but at the same time I get all these emotions when we are together that it's getting harder to stay away from him.

I think I'm getting addicted.

That's why I need to get away from him, I'm not addicted to Stephen, I'm addicted to feel something. All my life all I felt was rage, disgust, sadness, disappointment and with him I feel something different, something new. I don't know what this feeling is but its defnitily better than anything I've felt before. However Stephen deserves someone that is addicted to him.

I pull away and make my way home. I need some rest, a nap would be great right now.

Mother's not home and neither is my brother. Good, I wanted to be alone.

Have you ever felt that you live in a house that it's not actually yours, like you are just a visitor and that you are actually bothersome to everyone?! That is what I felt every day, I feel like I live in a place that is not tually mine, I live in my mother's house with my brother but it's not like they would mind if I went away.

I'm not saying that I don't love my family or anything because deep down I truly do, it's just that I'm not like them, I've been suffering for a while and they have no idea.

Every day I feel like I have to much in my heart, like I want to say so much but I cant utter a single word, I have this lump on my throat that doesn't allow me to feel happy. These thoughts are so overwhelming that every time I feel like telling someone about them, I end up losing the courage to open up.

I feel like Meg on that episode of Family Guy where in the end she understands that she's the one keeping the family united and that she has to keep the truth to herself or else peace wouldn't exist.

That's what I feel, I think that if I told everyone the truth, everything I've been through and thoughts this family would be gone for good.

I grab an apple from the kitchen and head to my room, I feel like listen to music

Stephen's POV

She just left...

Ele left, just like that...

I wanted to talk with Ele but then she asked me not to, however when she accepted to meet me in her balcony I couldn't be happier.

Today's a day that the shadows are taking over her, she's depressed and I can see that. Every time I saw her, she was in a corner with her earphones and looking at the floor. The whole day. I saw George and even some other friends and she was never with them.

I don't know Eleonor's past, her present, her thoughts, her traumas, what makes her happy... I don't know anything but her but there's one thing I know and that is what someone looks or acts like when the shadows are taking over. Ive been fighting the darkness for years now and I know that Ele has too but she still has so much to learn. Everything I know today, I know it because of that guy, he was the one who taught me how to look past something, how to see the little brink of light that the darkness has to offer you and I wanted her to see it too.

Yesterday I said to her that she needed to pay attention and she didn't listen to me all day, she continued in her bubble, trying to hide from everyone and everything.

No matter what she tries to show, I know that deep down Eleonor is fragile yet strong and that fascinates me.

I want to know more about her.

I need to stay by her side so the darkness doesn't consume her

I want Ele.