This Is Me

fourteen

'"Michael is coming to live with us." Mum informs me and my grandparents. "It seems that Kate cheated on him, he slapped her and now he's on his way"
"Okay sweetie, Michael will always welcome to our house." Grandpa says sleepy and goes to bed followed by grandma.
"Aren't you excited Eleonor? Uncle Michael is coming to live with us!" Mum says and I smile.
-----------------------------------
"I found a new apartment and I'm moving tomorrow with Liam."  Uncle Michael said after living with us for 6 months.
"Ok uncle, I'll miss you."
----------------------------------
"Eleonor, do you want to sleep in my house tonight? You could play with Greg"
"Of course!" I say happy.
Greg was uncle Michael's son, he was younger than me but I liked to play with him, the age difference wasn't much since I was eleven years old and he was five years old I would easily entertain him.
As I arrived to his house I was instantly in love with it. Everything was so modern and simplistic... I was overwhelmed with all the paintings that decorated the walls, uncle Michael and Bradley were two enginners and when it came to drawing they were equally good.
"Do you like it?" Uncle Michael asked.
"I do. It's so beautiful!" I answer in awe.
"Glad to know. Since this is a apartment with only two rooms, you'll sleep in my room with me and Greg because as you know I live with Bradley."
"No problem uncle." I answer with a smile.
------------------------------
"Let's get to bed kids." Uncle Michael says. It was almost midnight and Greg was really young so it wasn't acceptable for him to stay up so late.
I put my night gown on and head to the bedroom.
"Eleonor, I'll sleep on this side of the bed and you sleep on that one. Greg will sleep in the middle."
"Okay" I smile and move to my side of the bed.
Uncle and Bradley had moved in here not too long ago and because of that We didn't have a tv in the bedroom, so uncle decided to put a movie in the computer just for us two.
The movie started and I focused on the little screen. It was a horror movie, The 13 Ghosts, and I was really interested in it since I loved horror movies.
Just as the family was entering the house I saw something weird. Uncle Michael was on the right side of the bed and the computer was on his right side too, so I could see his body and just after that was the computer. What was bothering me was that movement I couldn't quite understand, his hand was moving up and down repeatedly and I kept hearing slapping sounds but then I saw it.
I saw the tip of that thing we've been talking about in school and I didn't know how to react so I turned around and tried to sleep.
I was never able to properly sleep that night since the image of uncle's member was always on my mind and it was disturbing me.
-------------------------
"Have you seen porn before?" Uncle Michael asked me. I didn't know how to answer that question. I knew what it was but I've never seen it so...
"N--no." I stutter.
I still couldn't forget about what happened last time I was at uncle's house.
This weekend he asked me again to come visit him, Greg and Bradley. I said yes but something wasn't right.
Now we were in his bed again and he was talking about porn, something I knew it was forbidden for my age.
When I answered uncle just smirked and he pressed play in a video.
The videos showed a young couple, a blonde man with really short hair and a blonde woman with big curls. I obviously thought this was a movie but when the couple started kissing and undressing themselves, I figured everything out.
"Oh, I can't watch that!" I said and covered my eyes.
"Yes you can. You're becoming a woman and have to learn how relationships work! And in fact, I'm the one who's watching so..." He said and started laughing.
"And Greg? He can't watch that!" I say terrified thinking about my little cousin that was in the middle of us.
"Greg is asleep." He simply answered.
I didn't know what to do, I dind't want to look at the screen but it was the only source of light the room had so my eyes darted to that immediately. I was so ashamed of myself because of the way I was being exposed to something like that...
Suddenly I heard the same sound again. While the couple on the video was moaning,  another sound was added to them. The sound of skin slapping again, I looked again to the place where the computer was and noticed uncle Michael doing that again, he was grabbing his member and moving his hand up and down, up and down.
That was it. I turned around and tried to sleep.
One more time, I wasn't able of doing so because of the way the bed moved, the sounds coming from the computer and especially because of the sounds coming from uncle's body.
-----------------------
"I met this chick on this dating site... You'd be crazy dude!" Uncle told Bradley while we were having lunch. Greg was at the couch, playing with his PlayStation. "She has this enormous tits." He said while gesturing his hands in a way of proving his point. " I'm going to meet her next week."
"Awesome dude! How old is she?"
"She's 25. Oh, and you should see her niece. The girl has the perfect slutty body and face, who would guess she's only fourteen." He finished. 
Who knew these two strangers would damage me as they did...
---------------------------
One more weekend and I'm here again, at uncle Michael's house.
I still haven't told anyone about what I saw here because they wouldn't probably believe and I didn't want to be the bad one in the end. So, since uncle invited me again and I hadn't told anyone about the little issues, Mum said Yes almost immediately.
We finished dinner a hour ago and for the first time Bradley stayed with us.
"Eleonor, would you mind to take Greg to the bedroom? We have guests today and it's time for you two to go to sleep." Uncle said smiling. I just nodded and went to the bedroom with my cousin.
I heard the bell ringing but nothing more.
Greg and I laid in bed until I finally fell asleep.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my mouth really dried. Uncle wasn't here and I presumed that he went out since it was so late.
I got up and headed to the kitchen. Just as I was arriving I heard something.
"That's right. Just like that... Oh..." I heard high pitched voice and decided to see what it was.
I was beyond shocked.
Uncle was in the sofa kissing some woman while his hands were on her boobs and next to him was Bradley.
Bradley was on his knees, on the floor while this girl, a little older than me, was sitted on the couch with her legs wide open and Bradley's head was in between them just under her skirt. The girl had her eyes closed and both hands on his head pushing him more into her.
I was terrified when I concluded what was all this about.
I completely forgot about my dry mouth and ran to the bedroom trying to finally sleep, trying to forget about this night.
This seems to happen too often now...
---------------------------------
"Did you sleep well last night?" Uncle asked me.
"I-I... I did..." I answered a little hesitant.
"You should've seen what happened yesterday!" He said with a glint in his eyes.
"Y-Yeah?" I didn't advert my gaze from the plate. 
"Yeah, it was awesome. There was this girl I met online and she brought her niece... You'd like her, she's just a little older than you and oh, she's educated... You could learn something from her, Bradley even gave her head and she was moaning like her life depended on it."  He said and smirked.
I almost gagged on my food.
"I'll show you something after you eat" He said.
I don't remember a time I was this nervous, I was becoming afraid of him and the worst part is that I didn't know what to do, or what to think.
When I finished eating, uncle went to get his computer and sitted next to me.
"This is Britney niece." He said and pressed play.
The video showed a girly room with just two girls talking and I could recognise the blonde one from yesterday. She was talking with her friend and sudden she kissed her. It wasn't that kind of kiss you see on a daily basis, you could see their tongues massaging each other while they kissed and touched each other.
I didn't want to look, I didn't want to see this kind of video again but everytime I looked the other way, uncle would pressure me to look again.
They undressed each other, they kissed each other breasts until something was familiar to me. Britney's niece layed back and her friend stayed between her legs until she brought her head to the blonde girl private parts, she was doing the same thing I saw Bradley doing to her some hours ago and the reaction was the same.
I did want ti advert my gaze but he wouldn't allow me and instead I could see him playing with himself while watching the two teens.
--------------------------
I still hadn't talked about any of the stuff I saw at uncle Michael's house to anybody and could successfully avoid him for a month until I couldn't so it anymore and accepted, once again, his invitation.
"Did you know that my bathtub has an option that makes it work has a jacuzzi?" He says excited. "Go and dress your bikini so we'll try it out. The three of us." without a care in the world I did as I was told.
I went to my suitcase, grabbed my bikini and dressed it. When I arrived to the bathroom, uncle Michael and Greg were already there.
"Sit over there. Greg stays in the middle." Uncle said and I obeyed him. I sitted on the other end of the bathtub looking at uncle. Since Greg was staying in the middle, I opened my legs so we could fit, all three of us.
Greg and I were playing either his rubber duck while uncle looked at us until I felt something touching me in that place.
Maybe it was an accident since it was so fast. I decided to not care about that and resumed playing with Greg again. Suddenly something touched me there again and this time in a much rougher way, it hurted. 
"Ow." I whined.
"Oh Sorry. I dind't want to hurt you." I heard uncle saying and looked at him. My heart started beating with fear.
"No problem." I said hoping that he would remove his foot but he reacted in the opposite way. Uncle Michael started moving his big toe on my private area, he was tracing circles with it and all of that was hurting me, making me wanna cry, making me sick.
"Uncle, stop please. " I asked without looking at him.
" Oh don't be like that." He answered and pressed his toe a little more." Every woman likes this, didn't you see how satisfied Alicia was (Britney's niece). Be a little like her. Enjoy it" He said and continued with a little more force.
No, I didn't want any of this. In fact wanted him far away from me.
"N-No... Stop it uncle. You're hurting me." I said almost crying. How could he do something like this in front of his own son.
"I'm not hurting you Eleonor. You're just not used to this." He continued forcing his toe into me until I couldn't take it anymore.
I got up in a quick way, covered myself with a towel and headed out of there, ready to change myself.
After that I went to bed and pretended to be asleep, embarrassed to confront him.
That night I felt him touching himself again, like I would do everytime I slept here...
--------------------
"I'm going o ask this one to my daddy." I told Greg.
We were at a store seeing phones until I saw the one I always wanted in display.
"It's so cute!" Greg answered enthusiastic.
"I know, I Love it." I smile at my little cousin.
After uncle Michael buys everything he need we head to the car and his phone rings.
"Hello... Oh yes Britney... We were at the store buying stuff for the house... The kids were looking at the phones like usual..." uncle said and looked at me smiling. I returned the smile. " Oh Eleonor was saying that she wanted this red one, the one that slides... Oh you have?... Yeah I'm going to talk to her... Bye!" Uncle said and placed the phone down.
"Eleonor..."
"Yes?"
"Britney said that she had the phone that you want and that she could give it to you."  Uncle said and smiled.
"Really?" I was so happy. Ever since that phone was released I dreamt about it and now uncle was saying I could have it. I was so satisfied.
"Yeah really. You just have to do something for me." He said with the steering wheel on his left hand, his other one touching his private area (what was becoming a regular thing every time he would drive) and never leaving his eyes from the road.
"And?"
"Answer this question, please. " He said and released a little grunt.
"Yeah..."
"Have you touched yourself before?"
"W-what?"
"I asked if you had touched yourself before. Have you? Like I did to you that time." My cheeks were flustered and my voice ran away. I've never felt so little before, this question made me feel dirty even though my answer was only one.
"I-I never..." I muttered, what was fascinating since I lost the ability to communicate.
"You should! When you go to the shower today I want you to wet that area of yours and to touch yourself. To feel pleasure. If you do that, I'll give you the phone you want so much.
"No. I-i won't accept it," I answered immediately and looked out of the window.
I wanted to yell at the world about this but I never got the courage to.
Such a coward....

I couldn't have a relationship with any man.

I felt attracted to them, however, I didn't trust their species. I mean, if someone close to you can hurt you more than you think it would be possible then a stranger can do so much worse.

I was truly attracted to Stephen, fuck I was always feeling like I needed to jump into his arms, to feel him but my trust was below zero.

I couldn't do it.

The kiss he gave me made me feel alive, more than I've felt in the past six years. However, my brain wouldn't allow our proximity, wouldn't allow his presence in my life and most of all, wouldn't accept his touch.

His lips.

His words.

My body wanted him with every muscle I got but my brain was totally against.

I want to change.

I want to trust again.

I want to feel new things.

However, I can't avoid this part of me that is telling me to back away, to ignore everything and that is saying I'm better off alone.

He's right.

If I'm alone I won't be hurt anymore.