This Is Me

fifteen

'"You said you wanted that phone." He whispered as we were arriving to his house.
"I know, but I don't want it anymore." I finish the conversation with uncle Michael and head to the living room to play with Greg.
After two hours of us playing PlayStation, it was getting late and we had to sleep.
Uncle Michael was on his phone with Britney, I heard him saying to her that I didn't accept the offer and that made me relax a little, a least they wouldn't force me into nothing. I quickly informed uncle that I was heading to the room wish Greg so that we could change and he just nodded.
We headed to the room, I dressed Greg and told him to wash his teeths.
When Greg was out of sight I began to undress myself, even though he's my cousin and he's so little I didn't feel comfortable changing in front of him, so I started doing fast. I removed my t-shirt and quickly dressed the pajama one, I took my jeans off and as I was dressing my pajama pants I heard him.
"Tsk,  tsk,  tsk, Eleonor you still wear that kind of underwear?"
Uncle Michael was at the door and my back was directed to him. My reaction was to pull my pants quickly and cover myself.
"That's too childish." He informed and I still avoided to look at him.
I never thought about my underwear, I was eleven years old! I didn't care about that.
"You know, Britney's niece likes to use lacy panties. You should try it too, it's sexier"
I didn't want to be sexy, I wanted to be pretty but not sexy. I didn't want ro attract anybody so why should I even think about that?
I didn't want to continue this conversation so I said a quickly "okay" and went to bed.
I was about to sleep when I heard a vibrating sound. I whipped my head up and looked at uncle Michael, he had a small object like a big white bean with a cable connecting it to a small remote. What the hell was that.
"Britney said that if  you felt pleasure for the first time she would give you the phone." He said.
I was layed in bed with my belly down and in a quick move he placed that thing in between my legs, what separated me from the object was my underwear, my pants, a sheet and a comforter so it was almost impossible to feel it however it was making me sick having his hand and that object so close to that part of my body.
"Stop..." I pleaded in a whisper. Greg was in between us but uncle was a grown up and his arm was big enough to stay in me even though I was struggling to be released from his hold.
"Feel it Eleonor. Woman love this little thing." He whispered.
I was so fed up with everything that has been happening that I just gave up.
I could feel it vibrating in me but felt nothing aside from that, I just didn't care anymore. All I did or said was in vain.
In the end he gave up because he noticed how I didn't felt like he wanted me too and called Britney giving her the feedback.
That was my last weekend with uncle Michael.

After the party I came to my house and I've been in my bed ever since.

Every feeling I was avoiding, every memory I was suppressing, every emotion I was trying to hide, everything was coming to me again. The shadows were taking over me once more.

I felt powerless because of dormes the first time I couldn't be the cold hearted bitch because I was feeling again, it seemed like my heart that stopped a long time about was now starting to beat. The worst part was that it was beating slowly, he seemed dead like my hopes.

I hoped I would be a normal person, that if I suppressed everything then I would end up forgetting however life's not easy and she proved that she could be a bitch if she really wanted too.

On the one hand, every day I felt happy to be alive, I felt good surrounded by my friends,  I felt loved by my brother, I felt blessed to have a simple life unlikely those who don't even have a roof, or food on their table.

On the other hand, I felt like this was more a curse than a blessing. I mean, I had all the conditions to have a happy life but felt empty and miserable. I felt that even though my body is alright, my emotional side is totally ruined. They destroyed me, and the worst part is that my family destroyed me. They destroyed the innocent girl I could've been, they turned me into this anger teenager and I hated that.