This Is Me

twenty-seven

"You know Eleonor, sometimes love just isn't enough. I loved your dad, I still do but we both know I can't e with him. Do you want to know why? Because love without trust and loyalty is just an emotion without any future." Mum said while we were having dinner.
But what is love exactly?

Do you know that feeling of having a knot around your neck and not being able of talking? That was me right now.

After Andy's confession, I just stayed there, looking at him, looking for something that could show me he was pretending or that what he felt was just a physical attraction.

A physical attraction towards what though? I was plain, the only good thing about me physically were my eyes and even those weren't anything special, just two green orbs that would change colour with the change of the weather.

I was thinking what Stephen would think of this now that we were together. Still to this day it surprises me how a man like that would want me.

Well we weren't in a relationship and he wasn't mine whatsoever, what I meant is that he was just so dreamy and spent a minute looking in my way, showing some kind of interest. A few weeks ago that was just a mere fantasy.

"Andy... I don't know what to say..." I look at him.

"Say you'll be mine." He pleads.

"I...I..." I look at my watch and pretend I'm surprised. "Oh look at the time! I need to go, have stuff to do..." I get up and wave goodbye.

I ran as fast as I could. I needed to get home.

Why couldn't I be a blunt fucker and say "No Andy, I'm very happy with Stephen even though we aren't a thing. I'm pretty satisfied with this, with the confusion my life is every day, with the feeling of not knowing if he felt the same I did"

Who was I kidding, I wasn't satisfied with this but I also couldn't ask him to be mine because I was this stupid person that got tired of people easily.

I was afraid of two things if I tried to make things official with Stephen: one, that he wouldn't feel the same and I would be painfully rejected, two, that with time I'd grow tired of him.

I know the last one sounds almost impossible but this happened pretty often, it happened with previous boyfriends but what was different before was that they weren't my emotional support, I knew I could go well without them but with Stephen it was different. Stephen was like my rock, alongside with my friends, he was that person I would search for comfort when shit was about to get ugly so just the thought I could get tired of him was painful.

I pushed these thoughts away and went home slowly, listening to some music.

Oh, home sweet home, just thinking that now I could lay in bed and enjoy the first season of Prison Break without thinking about the shit real life could be was pretty pleasant. I was so hooked that I started crying my eyes out when Linc was about to be put on the chair, not like I didn't know the end but it was still an emotional part, even more, because my baby, Wentworth, was crying and I couldn't watch that (I have this major crush on Wentworth Miller since I was a kid in 3rd grade. Now that I think about it, what kind of 8-year-old girl has posters of a man all over her room?)

All my focus was on that computer screen, declaiming all the lines I knew by heart and feeling the sadness of the characters when, suddenly, I hear a noise from my window.

Another one of my many flaws is the fact I get easily scared so I jumped on the bed because of the sound and carefully looked to the window, surprised by the sight I had.

Stephen was outside. Looking broken and worried.

I move towards the door and open it. As I was about to ask him what he was doing outside my door at this hour, his lips crash into mine. This wasn't just a normal kiss, it was one that held the need I knew Stephen tried to hide from me every day. It's not the need of having me in a lustful way but the need of having warmth into his life, I thought that in a way I warmed him and not just physically.