This Is Me

twenty-two

"Hey, dad, where are we going today?"
"You're going to meet my new house, Eleonor."
"Your new house? But you and Amber moved to this one six months ago..."
"Darling, me and Amber broke up"
How can this happen? I thought they were going to be happy forever and now he tells me this... I will miss Archie, I'll miss Thomas, I'll miss them so much.
I was used to my mum changing partner but not my dad...

Is this life worth fighting for? Am I gonna be happy? Will I find my meaning in this world? Will I accomplish everything I want for my future?

I can't answer this questions and you want to know why? Because I can't see my future, I can't imagine myself having one.

The future is something that never crossed my mind, I mean, do I want to have a future? I don't even know if I'm able to have one. Every day I wake up to the same shitty life, to the same routine, to the same memories, every day I keep reminding myself of the piece of crap I am, someone that can't conquer shit, someone that feels down because of what I've been through. I feel like trash for feeling bad about myself, I mean, what a weak person am I for feeling this?

Life... Maybe you're thinking I'm just the usual teenager struggling to accept life is not that easy and believe me, when I say, I know. Do you know how many times I woke up to the feeling of emptiness, I never felt love, hatred, none of those emotions everyone describes, I think I only felt disgust and anger because happiness it's totally foreign to me.

Oh, sorry I'm lying. There was a time I felt pure sorrow like I know I'll never feel before, the sadness of being left by someone I care. I think that's probably one of the reasons I'm such an empty, emotionless girl. Everyone around hurt me in a way in some way, by lying, by leaving, by not caring and how can they do that? I can't understand. Am I not worth of being loved?

No, I'm not.

I could see the whole world burn and not feel a thing. That's who I really am, someone that now just doesn't give a fuck, that works on autopilot all day, every day.

That's until I met him, until I met the person that made my ice cold heart melt a little, that made me feel embarrassed, enchanted, aroused, that made me think of the next day, someone that finally proved that even though life sucks you can still find that light of hope and I simply can't accept this. I mean, every time I thought life couldn't mess up with me anymore, she just proved me wrong, with was like she gave me the strongest punch of reality you can imagine.

How can someone so beaten up emotionally just accept this feeling of joy, this hope without thinking that life will fuck you up again in the future? It's just impossible because no matter what you'll always feel cautious, looking for some kind of excuse to beat yourself even more.

I know this is masochism but this is me, I can't be happy.

The hospital released my grandmother on the next day and I headed home. After that speech, she gave us I just ran out of her room and went to the bathroom cry my eyes out. Yes, I cried. I didn't even know what the feeling of having your sorrow, your fears, everything you've building up for years just stream down your face. It was like the wall I've been working so hard to build and to maintain was wrecked in a second, like the person I tried to build was destroyed in that moment and it was when I realised, once again, I couldn't allow Stephen to get in my life, to be with me because sooner or later I would get hurt or worse, I would hurt Stephen.

I feel like, since I was hurt before, I can't allow myself to do that to others. No one deserves this kind of pain, no one should go through the feeling of loss or even rejection because I know that I would end up rejecting Stephen and I don't want that.