This Is Me

twenty (a naked Stephen)

Part 2

I was just a piece of meat, just a dead walker wondering around the streets waiting for something I didn't know I was looking for. 

I saw the same group I always looked for to buy some weed, I had to buy some more. Even though my body doesn't react to the weed anymore, I still need something for my system. Damn, I don't even know if I'm doing this for the weed or the adrenaline of being caught but I really need one of these two. 

Fuck my life, I came to this sad point where I need to look for something to feel anything. I'm repulsive. 

Not just me, everyone around me is repulsive. I know I'm a worthless piece of human meat but I still look for everything that will destroy me a little more. Well, if you look closely I'm just like any other person in this world, we all end up destroying ourselves in really creative ways. I see people trying to transform into something they're not, I see some trying to pursue the dream of their family, I see people even trying to stay married to someone they really despise, and then you have me along with all the "social trash", I'm with the ones that finally realised the piece of shit they're and their only hope is to get a really nice piece of weed or any kind of drug to forget this godman planet we call home. 

I needed to feel again, I needed to feel something stronger than what the weed could provide me. 

Fuck, fuck, fuck!!! 

I turned away and decided to find something stronger. I knew that in this streets, find something better than weed would be easy. 

As I passed an alley between Starbucks and some convenience store, I spotted a really bad looking guy. He was wearing these dirty blue jeans and a ripped shirt, I was almost one percent sure this guy could give me what I wanted, what I needed. I approached him.

"Hey..." I said timidly. 

"What do you want, kid?" I didn't know how to answer that question because I didn't know what I wanted. I wanted to feel the relaxation weed gave me de first times I smoked, I wanted to feel something other than this void that has been bothering me since I can remember. 

Suddenly I remembered something. I remembered one of my idols, Kurt Cobain. This was the guy that I followed my whole life, the only singer I can remember since I was young, sometimes I felt like I knew him even though he died really long ago and it's impossible but the way he sang, the way his words influenced me made me believe that maybe I know Kurt better than I thought it was possible. Like any other rock star and aparently like me, Kurt had an addiction too, heroin. 

"I want heroin?" The guy laughed. 

"You don't look like the kind of guy that uses heroin. Forget it kid." He said and ignored my presence. 

No, oh hell no! I can't go away without my new piece of heaven on earth. I need that. 

"Well, I don't remember asking you your opinion about me..." I said and grabbed his collar so he would look in my face. I could be younger but I was much stronger and taller than this waste of life. "Now you'll give me what I want, get it?" 

"Yeah, yeah, of course, kid. Look, it's here. The first time is on the house!" He said, handed me the product and I released him from my hold. I needed this now more than anything. 

Everything that happened next was just an enormous blur. I can't remember what happened exactly but what I remember is that I've never felt so good need my life before and I didn't really like it.

I started to fuck, hard, to forget all my problems and that worked just for awhile. I started smoking weed with Andy and we all know how that ended, the weed was not enough anymore. Now, here I am... Just a worthless piece of shit that needs drugs in his life to feel alive.

But this was so damn good... Since I was young I was meant to do this, to get high, to kill my body this way...

Weeks passed and I could just assume that I was really addicted to this. Everyday I went to the same alley, talk to the same guy that was always with the same clothes and ask for the same thing. For many this seems to be a boring life, with routine however mine was a littler diferent and what I did was killing me so fuck it. 

I arrived to the alley and couldn't find him. 

"Hey, where are you?" I called, This alley was pretty big and I was sure that this guy lived here so I just kept on trying. 

Suddenly, I heard someone talking. 

"Kid?" It was him.

"Fuck! What took you so long? You know that I'm always here!" I yelled. 

"Where's my money?" My dealer asked and smirked. 

This addiction that I had was pretty expensive, nothing like sex or the weed but it was so much better... I know that I couldn't get that money easily but I needed to survive everyday, to survive to the struggle that is life. However, now, I was completely fucked. I was a teen, with no money and no possible way to be better. 

"Listen up man, I'll get it..."

"No! You listen, you little punk! I won't sell you anything, anymore and you'll give me the money right now!" He yelled, I could see from his eyes how furious he was. 

"I..." 

That's when everything went white. I just felt a hard punch on my face that made me almost lose all my senses, I was hangovered from the drugs, I was younger so I was week compared to this guy. After that punch I felt more and more to a point where I didn't feel anything, I only knew that he was still beating me up because of everytime my body jerked.

Suddenly I felt it, I felt this pain like I've never felt before, like something sharp had opened me up and now some liquid was leaving my body through the wound. I couldn't process what was happening and just let go, I felt like this was the perfect time. Finally the pain of living would end. But before that I heard

"Damn, I fucked this dude up. Just hope Andy will give me some more for the extra damages." He muttered and laughed, leaving there to die. 

"Hey man, wake up!" I heard some guys voice.

Oh fuck, I guess I'm not dead... 

Hey, it's me. Firstly I'd like to say how sorry I am for not updating sooner but I went through a lot in September and got this massive author's block. 

Secondly, this chapter is rather small too, compared to the others, because I want to tell you everything about Stephen in a not rushed way and I have big plans for the next chapter. 

Lastly, about chapter 21, I'll try to publish it this week and it will be bigger than these last two. 

I hope you're liking This Is Me :)