A Dragonfly's Dream

Chapter X - The scent of those roses

DREAM JOURNAL

The scent of those roses

There was a mass of pink roses swirling around me. The mass began to take the shape of a man. He started kissing my feet and my thighs. As I yielded to it what began as warm and tender suddenly turned fiercely sexual.

............

"I feel so depressed." Gail said, glumly. She had lost her virginity to her boyfriend, Jonnel. She felt that she had lost something precious. And she just couldn't get over it.

"I wanted to give it to my future husband!" she cried.

She was sitting on her armchair while I was on my study table. I looked up from the book I was reading. "Sweetie... you're 34 years old, don't you think you deserve some freedom? Besides," I added "virginity belongs to the Victorian ages, or whatever that's called."

"Did you feel this depressed when you lost yours?" she asked.

I thought about the first time I slept with Andy. I too, had felt bad that day. I didn't intend to do it but Andy had insisted that physical intimacy should be a part of a relationship. To be honest, I actually regretted it. "Yes, I felt it too."

"What happened?"

"I felt better after he told me we were engaged." I answered.

"Did you get a ring?" Gail asked.

I looked at her, smiling a little. "No."

"Well, did you at least enjoy it?!"

"Hell, no."

We broke out laughing.

...............

That night, as I lay in bed, I thought about our little conversation again. I heaved a sigh as I remembered a time when I was totally clueless about sex. I actually kind of missed those days.

Women are so different from men. Most men get their ideas of sex from porn magazines like playboy, or by watching x- rated movies --- which are totally misleading, by the way.

I remember the first time I saw a porn video. I couldn't believe that this was what turned guys on! Eeeeeeeeew. I mean, the girls didn't even look like they were having a good time! It looked all too fake.

I think a lot of women, on the other hand, get their ideas from romantic novels. Women would rather read about sex and internalize it --- rather than watch it on TV! As for me, I was no exception. Of course I read all those books! It was so much more fun to read about sex than to actually watch it.

I remember how my sister Leigh and I used to obsess about those. I was addicted to romance novels all throughout high school. I couldn't help but smile in amusement as one of our conversations flashed in mind...

Leigh had a huge collection of 'romantic' novels. Boy, I tell you, those novels, were dangerous! They were more dangerous than playboy! The sex scenes were very graphic. And worst ---they romanticized it! It gave you this idea that great sex meant true love! Talk about a true blue recipe for heartbreak and disappointment.

I knocked outside Leigh's room and opened the door gently. "Hey are you done with that?" I asked her.

Leigh looked up from her bed. She had been reading the whole day. At four p.m., she was still in her pajamas. She had neglected all her house chores. Apparently, she was too engrossed with her novel that taking a shower was too much of a bother. "Almost."

"Is it good? "

Leigh looked at me with dreamy eyes. "Yeah, and the guy is so rich and handsome."

Looking back, I realized it was actually a blessing that I never had a boyfriend in high school. That was much too young to have that kind of rude awakening.

For some reason, I never fantasized about James sexually back then. I imagined cuddling against him like a cat, rubbing my cheek on his chest (with his shirt on!). That was as far as my fantasies went.

I sighed, as my thoughts drifted back to my recent conversation with Gail.

No, I didn't get a ring from Andy.

And most importantly...no...I didn't enjoy sleeping with him. He was just too selfish. He didn't so much as care about what I wanted, or if I felt comfortable. He only cared about what he wanted and I always gave in. So--- no, I didn't enjoy it and for a long time there, I thought something was wrong with me. Why didn't I like sex? Was I frigid?

And then, I realized something too. He wasn't just selfish in bed, but with everything else. He never really cared so much for the things I wanted, whether in or out of bed.

Come to think of it, I think the romance books I read in high school actually got something right after all. Sex is really the best when done with someone you love. Not someone you simply settle for. But someone you actually, passionately love.

Anything less than that is, well, let's just say it doesn't measure up to the fantasy.