A Dragonfly's Dream

Chapter XVIII -Jealous

DREAM JOURNAL

Jealous

It was English literature class and James was the teacher. He was quite serious and he didn't pay any special attention to me at all.

He seemed a bit cold and angry.

Then, the substitute teacher came in. James was supposed to teach him how to handle the class in his place. I listened to this new guy and thought he was cute. But he made some mistakes and James embarrassed him in front of the class.

...............

I got off the cab and tipsily fumbled for the keys to my apartment. I had decided to live by myself instead of with my family. In other countries, people get their own apartment the moment they reach legal age.

But it was quite different here. People expected you to live with family or relatives forever, and when you lived alone, they wonder what could possibly have gone wrong! They say it's because Filipinos are a family oriented lot. So, I often get a lot of these odd stares from people, as though they pitied me.

But truth be told, I actually loved it! I liked living alone because no one meddled with me. I could do and be whatever I wanted, and I didn't need anyone's permission or approval on how to live my life.

Like going home alone and drunk at dawn---my mom would NEVER have approved of it. I mean, could you believe she even used to give me a curfew?! I was a practicing lawyer and way, way...waaaaaay past the legal age for crying out loud! Okay, yes, I know, it was for security reasons. And I would completely agree if this were Manila. But in Davao? This city was pretty safe. Where the hell is that damn key?

"Do you have any idea what time it is?"

Alarmed, I turned around to see who it was. I scratched my eyes to check if it was real or simply the alcohol affecting my brain.

James was leaning on the light post beside my apartment. He didn't look very happy to see me. In fact, he looked downright furious. The relief at seeing that it was no one dangerous blinded me to his anger though.

"Oh, it's you. Thank God, you scared me...I thought you were someone real, like a thief or something. But I guess I was wrong!" I went back to my keys, totally oblivious to just how hurtful that comment was. For some reason, I really wasn't in the mood to talk to him either.

He went towards me, grabbed my shoulders and forcibly turned me around to face him. "You acted like a real slut tonight! And what's worse is that you didn't have any one with you! Who knows what could have happened to you!"

I hadn't really planned on getting that drunk. It was something that occurred on the spur of the moment. I was supposed just to meet up with my friend, Lelit, and have some good old fashioned girl's night out. I was already at the bar when she called to cancel. So, I thought, what the hell, I'll just go and enjoy myself!

James grip tightened on my shoulders as he shook me angrily. "You danced with all these men and gave them your number like some low class prostitute!"

"How dare you give me a lecture! Who the hell do you think you are?" I tore myself away from his grip. "You're not my boyfriend. I don't know what the hell you are in my life. And I want you to know right here, right now, that I'm sick and tired of falling in love with someone who can never be there for me!" I stared at him, wondering if this was even really happening. "I'm not even sure if you're really here right now!"

I rudely turned my back on him, and went back to looking for my key. There, found it.

"Go back to Svelle." He said. "I'll prove to you that I'm real."

He was gone when I turned to face him. Gone! Just like that. He couldn't even stay long enough to finish an argument! Angrily, I kicked the steel gate open.

I had enough for the night.

............

It was eerily quiet as I lay wide awake on my bed. It was almost dawn and I could hear no sound. I tried so hard to still my mind, but it was useless. Finally giving up, I sat up and looked at the framed photograph Charise had given me during my law school graduation party. Go back to Svelle. I'll prove to you that I'm real.

I traced our images with my hand. Memories of the day it was taken was all too clear in my mind. I could recall every detail...

............

I was huddled together with Maya and Charise under the heat of the fiery afternoon sun. Ria was nowhere to be found as she had gone home early to attend a family event. We tried to smile even though we were sticky and sweating profusely like a bunch sweet bananas being cooked in a frying pan.

Eventually, the ceremony ended. There were a couple of trip ups like one student stepping on her toga and actually tripping on the stage. But except for the overwhelming heat and the mild complaints from some of my classmates, the event passed without much of a fuss.

At last... I'm free! That was all I could think of, as I returned my rented toga to that dark alley near the Registrar's office after the ceremony. The blue off shouldered dress that I wore fit me so well. It was a bit old fashioned --- with blue roses on the sleeves and a skirt that flowed softly every time I moved. It accented my broad shoulders and delicate neck. Most of all, I liked the way it made me feel like one of the princesses in the books I read. That was such an improvement from my prom dress! As I took off my white toga I was distinctly aware of some people, looking at my dress admiringly.

I needed to find James.

I walked back to the gym where we had our graduation function and started to scan the crowd...

I saw him at the other end of the gym. He was with his parents. I realized he looked more like his mom. He didn't look at me. I knew that was the last day I would ever see him. After that day, we would both go on our separate ways and I would never see him again. I was already starting to feel the distance between us.

And then it suddenly hit me. It was like a splash of cold water that woke me up and shattered my daydreams to pieces. What the hell was I doing? As I looked at him from afar, I realized I would never be a part of his life.

I just... I just wasn't good enough for him.

Defeated, I turned and walked away.

............

I was startled as my alarm clock gave a shrill sound. It was already five a.m. The sun was almost up! I had been staring at the photograph, lost in my memories. I put the frame back on my bedside table.

Since our graduation day, I had never again set foot on Svelle. Ever. I remember the feeling of numbness in my heart when I got back home that day. I felt totally devoid of emotion as I tore up all of my silly poems and diary entries and threw them all away. I felt nothing. Nothing at all. I embraced the coldness. I took comfort in it.

And I thought it was over.