Kidnapped by Him (A Jacksepticeye Fan-fiction)

{Chapter 56 - So Many Questions}

-=Sean's Point of View=-

I sat down in my recording room at my computer. I found myself staring at the window a few times. The small droplets of rain tapped on the window, covering the glass in water. It rained a lot here, like I've said before, but I never can get enough of the serene sound of rain drops. My hand shook the mouse to wake up my computer.

My immediate instinct was to check the Jacksepticeye Tumblr tag. I moved my finger upward to get down the page. I reblogged and added some comments to some posts. Others I simple liked and hopefully made someone's day. My chuckle pierced through the silence of the room around me. My mouth curved downward, forming a familiar frown. I let my mind wonder off into the deep dark areas I usually don't like visiting.

Sometimes I just feel alone.

It hurts to feel lonely and it hurts even more because we don't have anyone to share it with. Loneliness is unnatural; human beings are to be in relationship. Loneliness is fear; there is no freedom in it. Loneliness is anxiety. Worry is it's sister and uncertainty is it's friend. Loneliness is endless wonder about endless wondering. Loneliness is cold with no hope for warmth but it is also unbearable heat. You can become fixed on the idea that no one else is lonely, it's just you, and then it spirals down into more thinking that separates you from your fellow human beings, which just imposes more true "loneliness" on yourself and in your mind.

Loneliness is an awful paradox.

I hate the word loneliness.

Sometimes I like the word alone better.

Being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. Being alone is a choice that usually suits the chooser. Being lonely implies that, while you are alone, you long for the company of others, and would rather not be alone. There's a difference. It depends on the day.

How would I explain being lonely? It's an obsession, and it eats at you like a disease. It makes the body overly tired. You generally would rather jump off a large cliff than experience this feeling. The thing is, it's only the beginning. You generally fight it to keep it from progressing to reclusiveness or paranoia, by interacting with others. Outside sources help you through it. Things sometimes can get better. Still, there is a need to be alone, to sort out your thoughts--or just to block out the incessant, meaningless, self-involved situation of others. You enjoy the quiet.

It's just easier to not become emerged in human conflict. I'd rather not have to deal with the people who can piss you off. You take offense easily and it's easier to be alone, even though you don't want to be. The more you think about it, the lonelier you can become; the lonelier you become, the more you remove yourself from othe people's company, and the physical day-to-day living things about other people drive you crazy, making interaction with other people almost unbearable.

So, you get yourself some alone time. But then you find yourself reaching out to deal with other people, whether that's by reading a book or watching tv, that is what you're doing. Still, it exacerabates the feelings of loneliness, even on the internet, because you're not interacting in real time and space with real people. You can't reach out and touch another human or physically have a conversation with them. But you also don't want to.

You can't help it.

My deep thoughts were interrupted by the creak of the door. "Jack? Hope I'm not interrupting anything." Felix's head popped in.