so far away | yoonkook

afternoon : 04

"how was your entrance exam?"

"they said the results would arrive in a month."

the air gets heavier the following day while they're at the mini park in namjoon's apartment complex.

yoongi's wearing that navy blue sweater hoseok had always used to compliment him for.

feeling it against his skin somehow makes him itch for hoseok himself, wishing that he could hear hoseok tell him nice things just like how yoongi remembers.

the failed routine makes yoongi feel out of place now that he's just waiting for the events to fall back into their rightful places.

back in daegu, an undershirt and a jumper were pretty much sufficient for warmth. it only really got cold towards the end of the year and yoongi misses that fact already.

because now, not only was he wearing two layers of his own clothing, namjoon had to lend him a grey zip up and a black overcoat to accompany the shirt and sweater too.

it feels like the country was undergoing one big freezing point competition and seoul was in an extraordinary lead.

yoongi repeatedly rubs his palms together, friction bringing a fair amount of heat.

namjoon watches him in fear that his small body might freeze up and eventually shrivel from the weather. he's asked yoongi if ever he wanted to go back inside but he always insists that he wanted to talk somewhere more discreet.

forcing comfort upon himself for the sake of seclusion, yoongi simply could not afford for other ears to listen. so they remained outside for what seemed like almost twenty minutes before namjoon got around to asking his question.

"you left home... for good?"

"yes." yoongi looks over at namjoon, his expression a blend of firmness and curiosity and something else unreadable.

though namjoon could only presume it's something along the lines of disappointment and remorse.

"you're a smart guy. what would you do if you felt that your life was moving backwards than forwards?"

"I'd push some more."

"but what if you've done that same method of straining yourself for years and yet you're still pretty much stuck? worse yet, you're falling back on your regrets instead of grasping onto your dreams."

the younger leans back on the bench rest and crosses his legs. "you want to start anew, I get it."

"I don't want to kill myself, namjoon, that's what I'm trying to accomplish." yoongi doesn't notice how his fists clench but namjoon does.

"it'll drive you insane trying to endure this kind of life. the sick routines, the lies you make up just to avoid what your guts can't take, the faces you put on to conceal your judgment; this pretense. I've grown out of playing it safe, now. I want to live and die happy. I don't want to just die and that's it, I'm gone without leaving anything for people to remember me for." yoongi pauses to moisten his lips. they've numbed down and the skin was already cracking.

"I don't want to waste away, man."

new visitors arrive to join the other two in the park. yoongi is thankful that they're far from earshot. their voices are barely audible, even, and they seem as busy as he and namjoon are anyways.

yoongi doesn't want people to give him glances if ever they hear what he was talking about. the heavy drawl he has doesn't really help, either, knowing that he's quickly identifiable as an outsider.