so far away | yoonkook

mid-afternoon : 38

the bay isn't too far from the park. yoongi's lost all motivation in riding public vehicles and takes his discerning as he's walking.

"what was it?" he shoves his hands in his coat pockets. "what was the name of the show?"

a midsummer night's dream.

"right." yoongi looks up when he reaches the pedestrian. the light turns green and he halts.

"what was it even about?" he lazily taps his foot onto the ground, hands fisting inside his coat. "I don't know. tell me, what was it about?"

wind pushes against the side of a vehicle. tires graze the concrete. engines gurgle. no birds sing. people aren't talking. music doesn't play from anywhere. other than the symphony his lashes make when he blinks, everything else comes in muted whispers. these unornamented things answer him in implications.

you should know what it was about, you were there. a solid night. you witnessed everything as your hand held the boy's sitting beside you.

"they were just jumping around in tutus. I couldn't guess what was happening even if I tried." yoongi brings his head down as he entered the path surrounded by sky-high forestry.

but you thought the way they leaped and twirled and flicked their hands was breathtaking. you thought they were defying gravity with the way they moved, didn't you? wasn't that enough?

"I don't know." he drops onto a patch of green beneath the shade of a tree.

some days, yoongi believed that being alone couldn't simply indicate the feeling of loneliness.

on a day that seemed lightyears away, even if he was sat in a class with only five other people, yoongi couldn't say he felt lonely. even as no one approached him or asked him how yesterday went from across the room.

but today.

today, loneliness showered on him like a raging typhoon. today, he was drowning. today, he was filled to the brim, bleeding the feeling in his veins, his heart pumping it through his body.

you have an obsession with beauty don't you?

he looks at his hands, "I have an obsession with distraction", legs crossed, sat on the grass.

you've been making excuses?

"I've been very honest. in fact, too honest. but even I couldn't handle this type of honesty."

each second goes by idly, each second leading to the end. yoongi saunters over the lines on his palms. they're amusing to witness, how even as he's changed so much, they've remained painfully stationary. the scars that have healed over the years make their presence known, reminding him of the clumsy child he used to be.

there was his mother who would squeak in terror, sometimes even shriek when he'd get a cut on him.

it's all just innocent play, his father would assure her. don't worry too much. he's a boy, he's a tough one. he'll just shrug it off.

and when yoongi runs a hand through his hair, catches a strand between his fingers, he stares at that too.

he's still pretty much a child, isn't he? he hasn't grown up to be the man his father hoped he'd become. but in more ways than one, he's matured profoundly. colors can be felt and sounds can be tasted now. and his younger self would consider his older-self stupid, foolish for thinking like this.

his heart feels as old as the playwright who composed the most beautiful tragedy in romance, yet everything else about him seemed so young. like he'd come to exist only a day before. like it was just yesterday when he opened his eyes to see light the first time. like it was just yesterday when learned how to finally walk on his own. how to utter mom and dad. how to add two digits together.

like it was just yesterday when he made his first friend. had his first kiss. met his first love. made love for the first time.

the expected heartbreak delayed. they never broke up when there was never a 'them'.

he was scared, yoongi was too special to him. so why didn't he say yes?

"because he wasn't distracted like I was."

you still want him?

"always have."

"but he can never be mine." yoongi purses his lips.

he's back to his old ways, the way his younger self fought the sadness that promised him ease if he let it escape him. he will not give in. the stubborn boy inside him told him, no. once he does, it's over. you'll prove yourself then. you'll find out what's due you. the truth. even you can't handle it. you know this.

the course of life and the love that comes with it never did run smooth.