so far away | yoonkook

sundown : 17

ma,

please don't show this to pa.

if he asks about me, tell him what he wants. tell him I'm fine and I'm taking care of myself.

he doesn't like trouble and neither do we. he doesn't like bad news and neither do we.

you know the things he does and they're not appealing.

I can't risk the truth and I can't risk you getting into an argument with him.
though, I'm sure this might cause one but hopefully it'd be a bit milder.

if he asks which friend relayed the message, tell him you haven't met him before and that he looked like he lived out of town. don't say any names, don't give out any assumptions.

don't let anything slip pass your awareness, ma, please. it's for your own good. we don't want him meddling on things he will never relate to or never try to comprehend. I know I don't talk to you all that much either but I know you're softer than he is. I really hope that I'm not wrong though.

if you're still wondering where I am, it's not too far from our place.

I'm alright.

I still write at given opportunities.

actually, I plan on taking something related to literature when I get into university.

I want you know that you were never really the one at fault here. I don't put the blame on my old man either. maybe some of it but not all.

it's funny how I'm always asking you questions instead of giving answers, right? back then I used to always pull out the same things—how many times you dropped out of college and how many times pa was sanctioned for his bad habits—and it didn't seem like you'd ever get tired of giving me the same responses.

you were behind three years because you kept delaying your studies. pa was quickly labelled a black sheep and a bad influence for having an attitude like his. he spent more time in the dean's office than he did in lecture rooms. but I never understood why I had to be molded to be the perfect one.

why did you hate me when I fucked up? why did you hate me when I couldn't do things for you and pa? when all this time, you guys couldn't even get your records straight. I'm not saying you were the worst but you weren't the best either.

isn't it a bit unfair? why couldn't I have my way with my own life? I felt that nothing I did was ever up to your requirements.

I got anxious, ma. I got scared that when you scolded me, I had the world against me too. I felt that I was going nowhere.
besides the recognitions in class, besides the honors and medals and certificates. besides the rankings and competitions I won, I still felt that I wasn't good enough.

if I made a mistake, I'd be dragging the rest of the world down with me too.

now, who would want that?

I feel like I'm the last person who would ever want to bring disappointment. the only thing wrong with this was that I thought about a bigger picture that didn't even exist.

the rest of the world didn't care if I failed it. only I cared if I was failing.

my worries were make believe.

you may label my issues 'petty' but I'm not taking back what I've done. I don't regret leaving. I'll do what I have to and get out of this rut.

somehow I think my lungs grew bigger. I appreciate breathing more than I used to.

I'm sorry, ma. i'll never  |

yoongi watches as the cursor blinks repeatedly as if it were alive, ready to feed on his impatience. it anticipates for him to reach his breaking point.

he's been typing away for minutes but was his message really worth sending? he's unsure. he hasn't written anything like it before, doesn't know how to go about a concrete explanation.

he thinks his own mother might even try spellchecking the whole thing. hah. he wouldn't put it pass her. that mode of perfection was just an innate thing.

but everything he said was true. he wasn't close enough with either of his parents to lend them his trust. though,
he hoped his mother would be more understandable.

"hyung, I'm leaving for my shift."

then yoongi realizes that it really doesnt matter when he knows that jungkook is.

yoongi brings his legs down and swings himself the other way, dropping his feet off the couch. he opens his palm and jungkook takes it. he pulls jungkook towards him, close enough so he fit between yoongi's knees.

"stay safe, kid." he says kissing the back of jungkook's hand and covers the mark with his thumb to seal it so it wouldn't fly away.

it doesn't take much to make jungkook blush. when yoongi does this, the kid's already crimson at the tips of his ears. but yoongi doesn't live to do these things just so he could get that reaction. what he does, he does with meaning.

jungkook caresses yoongi's crown with his free hand and smiles.

"I'll see you soon." he rocks their hold on each other from side to side and yoongi nods.

then the boy is out the door and yoongi's left eyeing the window for a while, in hopes that jungkook decides to skip work tonight.

he waits a few moments. the clock on the wall ticks away the silent seconds.

and as if yoongi didn't expect it, jungkook doesn't come back.