so far away | yoonkook

mid-afternoon : 37

"so you can endure
this whoring?"

"what are you talking
about?"

"jungkook, do you like
getting hurt like this?
do you enjoy fucking
around with people who
will never remember your
name in the morning?
do you not love yourself?"

"hyung..."

"I can't stand it! just hearing
about it makes me want to
rip out my stomach.

you go around smiling like
it's fine when it's not.
you're hurting yourself,
 they're hurting you.
jungkook, they hurt you and
that's hurting me. 
they don't care about you,
only I do."

"look at me..."

"you matter to me more than
I matter to myself. 
you're all that I have.
but then, you decide that
you'll stay here...?
being everyone else's?
you catch these bruises,
you-you let them kiss
you in places I haven't.
you want this?"

"I can't leave."

"why the fuck not?"

"because..."

"because this is what I am.
this is what I deserve.
I can't live with you even
if I really want to."

"bullshit!"

"do you want to end up
dead before you're twenty?
you're only eighteen, jungkook.
when I was eighteen-"

"but I'm not you, hyung.
you don't know what kind
of shit I went through.
y-you don't know what
life was like when I was
younger.
you don't know
that-that-it doesn't
matter because...
you will never understand. 

you can't stand facing
problems. that's just it.
you can't accept what
you really are. 
instead of fighting,
you hide, even worse,
you run away. 
and now, that things
are headed south you
want to leave again? 

where are you even going? 

who will bother taking you in?

who will bother looking for you?

I will miss you and that's
the truth but I'll move on, hyung.
you will too.
as harsh as it might sound,
we have to.
if it's what you want then
I'll give it you.
if you want to disappear
from the face of the earth
then I'll allow you to do it. 

don't expect me to save
you all the time because
I can't.
I'm just a nobody and I'm
just trying to live.
you say you care for me,
then let me do what makes
me content.
if I think my job is enough
to get me through the day
then let me continue what I do.
it helps namjoon hyung
pay the rent, it helps me
keep our fridge stocked.

if I mattered to you like
you say I do, you'd let
me become what it is I
was meant to become.

and if you decide to go,
I'm sure your heart will
tell you if you did the
wrong thing or not."

▬

back then, yoongi never imagined seoul being this dreary. from what he's aware of, the city was one of the most joyous parts of the land. every day seemed to hold some kind of celebration.

but he'd been wrong. and today was anything but a time to recognize bliss.

when he first arrived here, he was only in seventh grade. it was for a regional quiz bowl and he and hoseok were one of the representatives.

on the bus from daegu, he and hoseok sat together on the bench near the rear of the vehicle. yoongi would share packs of sweets with hoseok. his mother had placed them in his bag in secret. children. they were just children and yoongi could've never imagined having so much candy in his life until he looked for his calculator but the colorful sachets lying on top of his things got in the way.

and hoseok would share his company and offer his shoulder to yoongi when the elder fell asleep.

hoseok knew he'd been staying up again. it showed rather visibly on his face.

yoongi had been writing until dawn, skipping meals to do things he wanted, and sneaking through windows when he needed to tell hoseok something important. at least for yoongi, they truly did matter. and hoseok told him, of course, go ahead, I'm all ears.

when they get to seoul, yoongi's drool had already dried on hoseok's uniform. he apologizes when they hop off the vehicle, when they enter the gates of the school, when hoseok buys a can of coke from a vending machine, when they're seated in the auditorium. but hoseok just shrugs his coat on and says it's no big deal.

not like it hadn't happened in the past, anyways.

it's definitely colder in the capital, but the exuberance of the locals and vibrancy of the city itself made up for the somberness in the air.

this is where yoongi first met namjoon, too. and despite being younger than him, the kid's mind worked in gears built by the giants themselves. the likes of plato, socrates, and diophantus would want to befriend him if they lived this long to know his name.

it was he and yoongi who really got along though.

before championships, yoongi's group had spent time in namjoon's academy dorm studying and arguing about the better-looking quiz master. the one from yoongi's school or from the rivaling institute from incheon.

and when the last drop of oil's been burned and the awarding ceremony ended, hoseok and yoongi step back into the bus and occupy their usual seats at the last bench. they bid seoul their farewells, including the crew of other boys they've established bonds with during their stay, and await the next opportunity for them to return.

yoongi realizes it now, that he really didn't miss seoul after the competitions stopped and he stepped up into high school. all the while, hoseok was still beside him, lending him his shoulder when he was too tired to keep his eyes open during the bus ride home.

as the first remnants of nighttime pushes the day out of its way, yoongi realizes that this place will never be anything close to the solace he'd taken for granted in daegu. he was young and he craved the bustle and chaos of the capital whereas he'd neglected the song of his hometown and the invitation of his one true calling.

he's gotten so far away but in the end, did he really have to leave?