so far away | yoonkook

afternoon : 26

"hyung, you're crying."

his chest shakes. he begins receiving the air back  when he's full on awareness and the realization had hit him.

he wasn't breathing properly all this time.

his cheeks are wet from sweat and something else that leaves a salty taste on his tongue, makes his eyes hot from producing so many of it.

it had happened unexpectedly. almost as if it were an accident. he hadn't thought about much when he lay there with jungkook, in his bed, and fell asleep. they weren't doing anything out of the ordinary for the matter, just facing each other with heavy breathes, conversation short of gazes locking.

yoongi hadn't had a bad dream in a while. but he recalls that usually if he did, he'd be jerked awake as if every dream was a vision of him falling. it never triggered any tears or hyperventilation up until now, that is.

"hyung, are you okay?" jungkook's still beside him, lying on his side with his hair splayed about the pillow, his eyes big and round and filled with curiosity and it never gets old. yoongi never gets tired of that look.

one of jungkook's palms comes up to hold yoongi by his shoulder and his warmth feels so real that yoongi can't stop another tear from falling.

but he swears that he's okay. he drags another hand against his cheek and breathes.

"you didn't sleep?" yoongi takes jungkook's hand and places it against his chest. he slides closer and stares at their fingers, already laced together.

"I woke up to your hiccupping."

"I'm sorry."

"why were you crying, hyung?" then jungkook moves towards him, his face the height of yoongi's chest as they lay.

he takes his hand away from yoongi's grip and drops an arm onto his hyung's middle, pulling him against his body so he could snuggle into his chest.

the pressure of jungkook's embrace is both assuring and scary. yoongi doesn't know what he'll do once jungkook lets go of him.

it seems like time moves faster when yoongi's counting down to the last second when jungkook will have to leave.

when he lifts his gaze from the boy who has him captive under his arm, the sky is bleeding orange again. they've consumed more than half of the day doing nothing but feeling everything all at once.

because lying in silence, yoongi's noticed, makes his heart plump even though the distance he covers doesn't even change, even if the scenery doesn't progress, even if he remains stationary.

even so, this is the best kind of activity there is. he doesn't have to use his limbs to get him far, wouldn't get tired too easily by walking around so much.
he figured that he didn't have to go anywhere else. this is exactly where he wanted to be, in this room with this dark-haired boy who wears his favorite blue sweater and has skin almost as fair as yoongi himself.

he likes the way jungkook's complexion matches the shade of floating icebergs on still waters.

jungkook hadn't even done much to be lent such advances, he hadn't done much to be allowed the freedom to move around in his hyung's most prized article of clothing.

after he showered and saw yoongi's sweater folded in a basket, he had put it on for a mere show. but yoongi found that it suited jungkook more than he himself. and yoongi didn't complain.

now, jungkook was warming himself in the sweater's soft material. yoongi knows it felt cozy since he'd worn it almost precisely a hundred times before. he must've counted for every time hoseok complimented him for wearing it.

yoongi's in one of jungkook's shirts too. the kid's built is bigger than yoongi so it was an easy fit. and the older one's just thankful that all his sweaters were oversized so the one jungkook had on didn't stick right against his skin.

changing clothes came about as a joke at first but yoongi feels he might like this practice to go on for a while.

yoongi feels he might like sharing beds with jungkook to go on for a while too. he wouldn't want to miss a single opportunity seeing the boy in a state of serenity like he's in when he's asleep.

"I'm about to go off soon, hyung. don't you want to tell me what's troubling you?" but the kid's voice pulls him back to reality. a reality that is both bitter and sweet and sometimes even surreal.

"just a bad dream."

"a nightmare you mean."

"nightmares are far more worse than just bad dreams, jungkook. it's nothing."

lies. so many white lies.

yoongi's lost count of these a while back. he might be producing so many more in the future, still. albeit the term of evasion, he hopes that they don't develop into something past what he intended them to be.

"why don't you tell me anything, hyung?" jungkook pulls him closer, so close that he feels jungkook might be aiming to memorize the rhythm in his chest.

"don't tell you anything? isn't that a bit unfair? I've told you a lot, jungkook-ah."

"it's not enough."

"you're a selfish kid aren't you?" yoongi almost chuckles.

"only with things I like."

"not so shy either."

this time, jungkook sits up and rests his hand on the curve of yoongi's side. "I have to go, like, really soon, hyung. if you don't plan on telling me what's wrong right now, maybe you'll be more comfortable after you've thought about it. I hope you change your mind when I get back." jungkook swings himself the other way, stands up and finally gets dressed for work.

when jungkook leaves, yoongi remains in their bed and stares at the ceiling. sometimes he imagines it expanding like a developing void, ready to swallow this world and take them into the other. his head spins just slightly while he watches the white paint chipping on some corners of the overhead covering. being consumed in the play of his thoughts has always been his doing but this time, life's far more comprehensible.

it's almost too clear for yoongi that he can practically hold it in his hand. that this is it. this is how he wants to live. and he might not ever go back to how it used to be.