Grey //CAKE//

Chapter 15

/////tw/////
Luke

A couple days had passed since the party and I was back to my old self, I wasn't stuck on this dream of cloud 9 anymore.

I was back home.

Faced with every cold, empty, aggressive thought.

My step dad was angry when I returned. And showed it harshly, straight away with his fist.

I sat in the corner of my room, my head on my knees. My mind was swarming with a billion different thoughts,
Sad thoughts,
Mad thoughts,
Happy thoughts.

I didn't know which one was real.

In fact what if none of these feelings are real? What if I'm just freaking out over nothing? What if I'm doing this all for attention? What if every thought in my head was because I wanted someone to feel bad for me?

I shook my head, asking myself more and more questions.

Attention?
What if I was an attention seeker?

You sure aren't a good one then

No one pays attention to me, I don't want people to pay attention to me, so That wouldn't make me an attention seeker right?

I groaned and pulled at my hair.

Why would i even be thinking about this? How does one accuse themselves as being an attention seeker??

A feeling suddenly appeared in my chest and I felt myself stop breathing for a moment.

About 2 weeks had past since..
Don't say it it'll only make you want it more.

I kept my eyes closed and leaned my head up against the wall, vivid images of smooth red colored lines against my wrists circled around and i felt dizzy.

I wanted it so bad.
I craved it.

The feeling ,
The sting ,
It had been so long.

I lifted my sleeves and looked at all the individual scars and scabs that over lapped each other and my stomach tightened.

That feeling,
Speechless,
Numb.

I crawled over to the desk that held what I wanted most and grabbed the box.

I took out a shiny clean blade and licked my lips.

One side of me was saying do it meanwhile the other pleading not to.

I brought the blade to my skin and in one smooth motion slowly dragged it across my skin making sure it did its job correctly.

I looked at the little red beads beginning to form and bit my lip.

More .
More .
More .

Time had past and without any self control I had allowed myself to cover my arm with fresh cuts.

Near to dripping I brought myself to the bathroom to wash it up.

I looked at all the sticky notes with a straight face while turning on the sink and sighed.

My life is controlled by a blade. I thought to myself .