Grey //CAKE//

Chapter 20

Luke

"I think I want a dog" calum whispers beside me. My eyebrows furrowed and I look over at him .

"A dog?"

"A dog." He smiles at me and we both laugh. I turn to my side to face him a bit more, tracing small circles on his chest.

"Why do you want a dog?"

"Well it gets pretty lonely over here, you know? And I don't know how often you'll be here to keep me company" he pouts looking away, but quickly straightens up again . "I think it'd be great"

"What kind of dog?" I ask and he lays on his back, looking up at the ceiling.

"Haven't thought that far"

I tisk and shake my head, joining beside him. "What a shame"

"Can't be bothered" he says after me, smiling side ways. "I don't know about you but I am very hungry" the statement causes me to feel uneasy but I just smile softly and nod .
"What do you feel like eating?" He asks, I look down, now starting to feel how hungry I am .. god dammit.

"You pick. I'm not feeling that good, I'll only eat something small" his expression changes and he suddenly looks more worried.

"Are you okay? You need some ibuprofen?" I shake my head, saying no. He offers to bring me some water and disappears into the kitchen.

I wasn't even thinking about food, hunger had even slipped my mind. But just the mention of it brought everything up so suddenly. I felt lightheaded and a burning in my chest.

I walked to the bathroom, looking into the mirror. I turned to my side, lifting my shirt. I pinched the skin and swallowed hard.

That is why you're doing this.
No one said skinny was easy .

I study my ribs, the way they poke out, as well as my hip bones . all i want, all I've ever wanted was to be satisfied with the way my body is .

It's so exhausting feeling like no matter how much pain, how much trial, no matter how long, it's never enough.

At times I nearly feel like giving up, just being the way I am. But why would I do that when i know I can have better? Why would I settle for less?

My thoughts are broken by a glass being placed beside me on the counter . I notice that I'm still looking in the mirror with my shirt up and quickly throw it down.

I can feel my heart beating out of my chest, I couldn't even begin to wonder what calum had saw . I don't even think I'd want to know .

What if he saw the cuts on my hips? what if he saw the bruises ?

"Are you sure you're not hungry, Luke?" That stupid word again making my head spin. Hungry. Why is he doing this ? I told him I wasn't. "You're body looks .." he pauses. I grab at the bridge of my nose and close my eyes, feeling suddenly irritated.

"What?" I whisper, then without control I slam my fist onto the counter, "what is it calum?! Not what you wanted?"

"Malnourished, Luke . That was what I was going to say"

I narrow my eyes, "what would you know?"

"Me?" He scoffs, "nothing, but it doesn't take knowledge to see that you clearly aren't taking care of yourself!"

I laugh, "taking care of myself ? Calum I don't need you telling me that I don't take care of myself when you're the one over here eating greasy pizza every night, snacking every five seconds!" All these words keep flying out before I can stop them and I can already sense the destruction they'll cause.

"Here's the difference between you and I. I eat ! And then you know what? I use the calories, I work out, then eat again!" He lifts his hands over his head laughing at nothing , "what a concept"

"You don't understand calum." I shake my head, feeling it beginning to pound , everything becoming overwhelming .

"How can I not understand?" He asks , "how can you act like you're the only person that goes through hard times?"

"Dear fucking god, calum" I yell, finally reaching the top of what I could handle, "as if you've ever been insecure in your god damn life ! Isn't it fucking great that you appreciate your body, and appreciate the shit around you, but unfortunately, I can't relate to this mellow life you live, I feel like a filthy fat freak-"

"Listen to yourself! You're oblivious!" He cuts me off only making me more angry, "you think I'm never insecure? And honestly in whatever sick judgement you have in your head, no one in this world is skinny! Luke you make me weak, my confidence falls when I'm looking at you and I feel like a mess, I can barely compose sentences correctly, all because of little ole you. And don't get me wrong, what you do to me I love, I'll never understand how you do it but you do. You are so perfect, please believe me how perfect you are, and I just can't bare to see you slowly killing yourself like this" his voice cracks , his eyes are staring right into mine and I can't help but be speechless. He walks over to me slowly, "look" he lifts up my wrist , wrapping his fingers around them, his also being nearly twice the size as mine.
He picked at the hem of my shirt lifting it carefully, his hands went to the side of my hips nearly meeting all the way around.

I looked in the mirror and felt sick to my stomach. Everything i had told myself, everything I had put myself through. I never could actually tell how small I was .

I looked up at calum and he looked down at me, "I'm sorry" I whisper. He nods and kisses my forehead. I feel myself begin to cry, releasing all the pressure in my head, he walks me over to his bed, lying down and cuddling me.

Nothing was said, he simply held me as I was crying, playing with my hair and kissing me ever so often. And I really couldn't help but feel like this was all I've ever needed.