Grey //CAKE//

Chapter 36

Luke

I stared at the ceiling, feeling completely numb, from head to toe. I could hear footsteps coming from the stairs and soon enough the door opening.

I was surprised, really, I thought Calum would've left.
I mean, I would've.

The bed dipped and my eyes moved down.
"Luke" He said softly, almost tired-like.
You wear him down.
You're such a burden. Nothing new.

I squeezed my eyes shut and took a deep breath.
"Look at me, Luke" he said making me sit up. I looked into his eyes and waited for a second. Only I saw nothing. His eyes remained dull and sad.
"I.." He looked down and fiddled with the sheets.
I could sense what was coming but I couldn't bring myself to say anything.
"I think we need a break... Luke." His voice was wobbly, and hesitant, but his eyes said different.

"I don't understand.." I said, breaking my long silence. "Did I do something wrong?" I asked, noticing all my abandoned emotions return.

"No," he whispered, "I just.. I'm not helping you, Luke. And I really think this is a battle you need to take care of with yourself." I stayed silent, and he lifted my face with his hands, "I love you, I really love you. And this hurts me more than you know. But I can't drag you down. And I can't allow you to drag me down."
He stood up from the bed and patted my knee.
"Im still going to be here. But as your friend. I don't think you can handle much else right now. You can stay in the guest room, and everything else will stay the same, I promise"

His words grew quieter and quieter the more I listened. I distanced myself more, now realizing there was really nothing to lose now. It was just me.

Calum could say we'll be friends , but I wasn't an idiot. He wanted to let me down easy, and so far I would say he probably thinks he succeeded.

All I could do was sit there and try and process all of what just happened.. but I couldn't.

"Luke.." I blinked. I used to love the way he said my name. It felt special. But now it only ever seemed concerned. I couldn't stand hearing it now.
"Luke please" tears welled up in my eyes and my nose twitched. I wasn't going to cry in front of him. I was determined. So I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and stood up.

I grabbed my bag, and walked over to the neat and tidy guest bedroom next door and collapsed onto the bed.

I took another deep breath before just completely falling apart.
I cried and cried. Not being able to stop myself.
Calum meant so much to me . And to know that he felt that I was tearing him down, it was sickening. I felt awful.

My thoughts began tearing my mind apart and my headache worsened.
Calum believes he's tearing me down but I'm what's tearing me down. I wish he could understand that I can't do this alone.
Only there is no way that he could understand what I am going through. Maybe what he is doing is what's right but it definitely doesn't feel that way.

My heart feels like it doesn't know how to beat. The burning sensation of trying to grasp a tempo but failing . It felt like a heart attack , and I understand this is so dramatic but my heart is broken. And all I wished to do is drown in alcohol to hopefully wash away the pain for a few hours.

I crawled to my bag and grabbed a bottle, locked the door and turned on the little speaker that I had packed.

I never took it out because Calum always let me use his. But now I'm just glad I grabbed it. I put my music on shuffle and chugged down a big gulp of alcohol and squeezed my eyes shut. Alcohol never goes down easy.

A familiar song began to play and I immediately tensed.
All about you, the first song Calum sang for me, to calm me . It felt like it had happened ages ago but it hadn't . My heart broke as it did before and I curled into a small ball on the floor and started crying.

I couldn't tell how much time had passed but I cried to the point I couldn't breathe. My lungs were burning , my head was pounding and my nose was plugged. Everything felt so silent around me but there was chaos in my head .

tormenting me, the voice wouldn't shut up and I only wished to be able to go to Calum and lay in his arms . Really that was all that could calm me. But now things are different . And I know I need to get used to it.