Another Lost Pilot | Shiro x Reader

Piecing Myself Together

Shiro's POV

When we looked over (name)'s scans, we all had the same thought on our minds. I could just tell. There were blinking purple lights throughout her body, and a black haze shrouding her brain. That's when it hit me. As Pidge was explaining, everything seemed to blur together. The box at her core, the camera in her eye, haze over her mind. I knew (name) was acting strange from the moment she woke up. The look in her stunning (e/c) orbs was far off, like she was looking at everything while nothing at all. Then when I saw the black haze start moving after she got a good look at the team, my thoughts were brought to life. I acted fast, knowing Haggar, she wouldn't take her time. I bound (name)'s wrists and made her drop to the ground. A few seconds later, hell broke loose. The screen showed the black haze filling her body, from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. 

I started forcing the others back and away, but after my announcement the other paladins readied their bayards. "You can't show hostility! It's what (name) is used to at the ship, if there's no way she can be hurt, there's no reason for her to attack. I know it wont be easy, but drop your weapons!" All of the other paladin's eyes locked with mine, and after a brief moment of contemplation, they put the bayards back to the ground slowly. Allura calmly walked over to the screen again, pointing to (name)'s eyes on the scan. "Shiro, look," I turned around and hesitantly pulled my eyes away from (name)'s thrashing form, her growling filling the room as I walked over to Allura. "Her eyes are the most active. And the haze of black is focused there more than anything." Pidge looked over, telling the other three paladins to keep an eye on (name). "So what are you saying princess?" Allura looked back over at (name), confusion in her gaze. "Haggar is making her hallucinate. She's not attacking us, she's attacking the hallucination." Pidge seemed to ponder for a minute, and her eyes met with mine. "Shiro, we need to do the team building exercise. If we can look in her head and see what she's hallucinating about, we can stop it." I nod in agreement, looking between Pidge and Allura. "Alright, and we don't want to have to do this often. Allura, while us paladins are in her head distracting her, we need you to remove the chip in the back of her neck. If that's out, Haggar will have no control over her. Then we can remove the camera and energy supply."

Allura hummed and began handing the head bands out to the other paladins, and handed me two. "You're going to put this on (name) and when you're all in distracting her I'll take out the chip." "Okay, sounds good. Everyone, put these on and sit in a circle. Now, a warning, (name)'s mind isn't as clean as mine was. What we see in this hallucination may very well be ugly. We only need to be in long enough for Allura to remove the chip. If you absolutely cant stand it, you can get out. Expect the worst and it might not be so bad." And with that, the other paladins sat in a circle. My eyes locked with (name)'s distant but venomous gaze, and I slipped the band over her head before I sat down in the circle and put on my own. When we were all in, (name)'s body went still. However, when she calmed, we all froze.

(name)'s POV

I stood before the two monsters, everything was clear, but my vision was framed with a haze of red. My heart beat a million miles a minute as the two creatures advanced towards me, and before I could tell myself to run, my hands were sunk through the skin of their torsos, and I clutched my fists together before ripping outwards, tearing the major veins to their hearts out and watching them fall to their knees. The lifeless bodies of the monsters then changed. They were no longer the usual enemies forced upon me in the arena. These were my crew mates. Brianna and Johnathan. I look down at my hands, now covered in blood. Then suddenly there were five more of the usual, terrifying beasts. Long fangs bared at me as they screeched. But because of what just happened, I don't know what is real and what isn't. These could be more innocent people, or they could really be more enemies. My head shot up when one pressed their blue gun to my head , and strong arms wrapped around my waist and arms, restraining me as I kicked and screamed. But looking back on the past minute I stop struggling, and I let tears run down my cheeks as I dangle in the persons arms, a robotic arm and a flesh arm, both holding me in place so tightly I couldn't breathe. I killed them. Bri, John. This was my fault. I couldn't place the blame on someone else to make me feel better. They were gone and it was because I was blind to the light. 

I lean my head against the end of the gun at my temple, openly sobbing. My screams of turmoil making the roar of the Galran audience seem like whispers in the distance. I kept calling my captures the monsters. The Galra, the enemies I'm trapped with now, all of them. But really, the only monster here is me. No matter how hard I tried, I became my worst nightmare. I closed my eyes, letting the arms around me tighten without a struggle from me. "I'm done! I'm d- I'm done! Just.."

"Kill me." When I opened my eyes, I was in a different area. I was on the ship again, Lance had his gun to my head, Shiro's arms were around me holding me still, and Allura was behind me holding a small device in her fingers. I swallowed and caught my breath, and when I finally realized it was just a memory, my body started shaking with my sobs again. I couldn't hold it back anymore. They knew what I did. They knew. I can't hide it anymore. I'm a murderer. Shiro interrupted my thoughts. His restraining hold became gentle and he pulled me closer, shushing me quietly. Lance dropped his gun to his side and breathed out in relief before dropping to his knees with the other paladins near Shiro and I. "(name), it's okay. That wasn't you, that was magic you couldn't look through." Shiro spoke softly to me, and Pidge dropped down with us, a hand on my shoulder. "Your main goal was to not become one of them. And you were so scared to be like them. That shows that you're not a monster at all." I just shook my head and laid my head in my hands, taking off the band that linked the paladins to me. "But it was my hands. My hands. Not Haggar's." I wasn't strong enough to see past the witches magic. Lance spoke up, kneeling down with the other three paladins. "But it was Haggar's spell that made it happen." Keith chimed in after wards, then Hunk in the end. "You wouldn't have done that on your own." "Haggar made them look like enemies, you were acting on your instincts." Allura knelt by me with a gentle smile on her regal features. "Hey, I'm sure they forgive you for this." They might. But can I?

A few hours later. 

Allura and Coran just got done removing the camera and energy deposit from me, and Pidge took the small box to run tests on. I was sitting in the lounge, hoping for time to piece myself together while i recovered from the surgery. As of now, I'm a puzzle. The outside edges of me are made, but they're old and worn. Cracks throughout, defining the limitations of each and every part that makes me who I am. I'm mostly complete, but the pieces are forced into the wrong areas. And there are pieces that don't even belong to me that were forced to fit. And at the center, the very core of me, it's empty. A blank space where you can see right through me. Right through the smiles, and laughs. See through the tears and find that deep down under everything. I'm nothing. Two chunks were ripped from my puzzle by a mallet. Those chunks were named Johnathan, and Brianna. I was the mallet that blew them away into oblivion. 

I felt the couch dip and I jumped out of my skin, only to see Shiro sitting by me. He was't looking at me, but at the floor. "I know you don't like being alone.. So I figured I'd sit with you for a while, if that's okay." I raised one side of my lips in a half smile. "Yeah.. I was actually planning on looking for you, but looks like you saved me the trouble." He chuckled and leaned back on the couch, an arm stretched over the back of the cushions behind me. "So about earlier.. The hallucination.. Did you want to talk about it?"

I turned my gaze back to the floor, my hands making their way through my hair as I closed my eyes. "I.. You know I didn't mean it, I would have never done it. Never, I didn't want this-" I fell back against the couch, hands on the sides of my head as I stared at the ceiling. There was no point in holding it in, getting it out will show if Shiro'll stay through my darkest times, like I did for him. "I never signed up for this, Shiro! I wanted to be a pilot! Or at least just major in flying.. I didn't ask to be tested on, and I sure as hell didn't ask to see my hands wrist deep in the chests of my best friends. I was just a kid when I was sent out compared to all of the other pilots. We were just kids, nobody asked for this, at least I didn't. I'm sure of that. Because if this was what was in the small letters at the bottom of the contract I should have taken the time to read further." I felt my voice raising as I get more and more riled up, my heart beating so hard in my chest I thought it would burst. 

However when I felt Shiro's arm around my waist pulling me closer to him, I let myself relax in his embrace. I felt myself start to calm down rapidly when I felt his Galran hand brush through my hair to the back of my neck. And when he whispered to me, all tension left my body. For once, I believed the line spoken to me over, and over again by everyone else, the only difference was the host of these words was Shiro.

"You'll be okay.."