drown × calum hood [complete]

× f o r t y ×

Chapter Forty: Don't let me drown

×Calum×

Calum hated hospitals. It always smelled of cleaning and chemicals and death.

So when he was wheeled in for surgery to remove the pole from his leg, with his mother run non beside him stroking his hair and telling him everything was okay, he knew it was most definitely not okay.

The pole was situated someway in the middle of his thigh, just a bit higher and Calum knew he'd most likely have to get an amputation. He wasn't all that surprised when he got asked about it while being directed to the surgery room.

"Mr. Hood, we're going to have to amputate your leg seeing as the surgery requires having the pole removed, and the only possible way to do that is to, well, cut your leg."

"Do it. I don't care." He was probably going to die anyways.

That was his wish after all, wasn't it? To die? To stop living, and existing once and for all?

A breathing mask is attached to his face, and the anaesthesia starts filtering through the machine and into his lungs. After a while his vision gets hazy and he falls asleep.

×

"How's his heart beating?"

"Steady, about 85 beats per minute."

"Good."

×

While Calum is in surgery, sleeping, he wonders... what is it like to die?

Do you get reincarnated?

Are you reborn into another person?

Do you actually go to Heaven or Hell?

Or... is it just pitch black, forever?

He doesn't know what to think about dying. Yes, it had been what he had always wanted to do, but was it really worth it?

Being born into a world of hate, homophobia, racism and world issues isn't something worth living for.

If Calum dies, he wants to be remembered for the life he lived, not the things he achieved. He wants to be remembered as one of those people who went out of their way to help others, not as "that boy who is suicidal and does nothing but cut himself all day".

Thinking of the happy moments in his life will help him to not try and kill himself. Even though he had relapsed a few times, sometimes even when he was dating Bella, he didn't want to die. Not yet.

He wanted to see the world, meet his children, maybe even grandchildren. Maybe he would get married to Bella and they would have children.

He just didn't know that she wasn't alive anymore.

And soon, he wouldn't be either.

×××

i hate myself

-mahina ♡