SILENT CALLS

Chapter 8

ALLY'S P.O.V

"Wait what? You're calling it out?"

"Van, I just suddenly think that maybe I want to stay in Manila this year."

"After what we've done to impress your parents? After hours we tried to talk them through everything, to convince them?"

"I'm a mess, I know..."

Ivana tossed the project's new revised contract onto the table. I didn't blame her. The only one to blame was always me. I have promised Connor to try make something out, to in four weeks be able to meet him - I was doing exactly that.

"The flight has booked. You've signed it. You're going to Japan. No excuses." Ivana glared at me with mixed emotions. "That's an order."

Shattered heart. It was not easy at all to be in between Connor and the Japan trip. Both I wish to do at once. Both I wish could happen.

I all of the sudden cried uncontrollably. It looked like a dead end to my very eyes. I regret my decision to sign the contract forsake of wishful thinking. The flash of Connor's disappointed face came across my mind. He would hate me, totally.

My heart's beating faster. Would he eventually forgive me? Or was this almost apocalypse?

"You haven't told me." Ivana finally got to control her emotion and sat on her desk. "Who's he?"

"What? What's who?"

"Whoever you try to please; who's your boyfriend? Should I talk to him too?"

"There is no boyfriend, Ivana. It's only me and my stupid brain. If I were as compact as you are, I'd be the one taking care of everything by now. But you know I'm incapable of that. I never am."

"That's not just it."

"It's okay if you can't trust me-"

"I'm not judging you, Ally. But I'm sad that this time I can't help you to figure out what to do. If this is about your sudden doubtful thought as you claim it is, I totally can relate. Japan is far, we'll be separated from home for the least two months. Or if this is about someone you're seeing, let me help you talk to him. But I'm sorry, there's no way out of this."

I smiled to the floor. Of course there's no way out. How obvious. My relationship with Connor would come to its end. He's spent days making a plan to see me again; he's spent hours to put Manila on the list; he's spent thousands of dollars for flight bills to see me.

He's had all reasons to hate me, so might as well prepare for the sad epilogue.

"Thank you for your time. I should go back to the class. Professor won't tolerate me because I'm not you." I took a deep breath.

"Ally..."

"That's okay." I nodded. "See you later!"

I sprinted to the ladies bathroom, locked myself inside, to cry in silence. Wow, it felt like a painful punch. I couldn't imagine the best way to tell Connor. Or maybe there never was.

I made a way toward the dean's office. Let me humiliate myself, as long as they could release me, or postpone my trip to Japan.

"Sir, may I come in?" I knocked on the door.

"Who's it?"

"Ally Reyes."

"Oh Ally, come on in. Have a seat. What can I do for you?"

"Sir, uhm, I understand about the Japan program you've been discussing with Ivana. She briefed me about everything. I'm liking every part of it."

"You're one of them." He nodded. "So, anything come across your mind?"

"I'd like to propose a new itenarary specifically for myself. As said on the paper, I was assigned to leave by October 16. However, I sadly wouldn't be able to leave yet, Sir."

"Because?"

"Personal reasons-" I cleared my throat. "Nothing big, really. I just want to take care of everything out before I depart."

"And..." The dean learned my printed itenarary. "Catching up in two weeks? That's too long."

"But I've learned that the program doesn't really start until the following week. Sir, all I ask is a tolerable catch-up. I'll be joining Ivana in two weeks. If school doesn't provide the loss I've caused by cancelling the already paid ticket, I'll pay for it myself."

"Volunteers are supposed to be in Tokyo a week before the program starts. I believe I shouldn't brief you about the importance of preparation."

"But-"

"The answer is no. You're going with Ivana as scheduled. Anything else?"

Screwed life. How could bad luck thicken up so fast and leave me no choice? I've tried formulating a budget plan to bring to the dean. All I asked was two weeks.

As the negociation with him wasn't a score, I then went home fast trying to build up every rational reason ever had acrossed mind, but all of them came out short.

Was this the end?

Suddenly I had an idea. Maybe I could never compose such comforting words to tell a disaster to Connor. But hopefully this would be less harmful.

To: connormcdonough@gmail.com

Hun,

Apologize me in advance for choosing the wrong way. I can't think of any other. To meet your eyes on another Skype video call would be too unlikely. I love you so much that I'm too scared of hurting you.

Though it's a crap talk; I just did hurt you.

I've tried, but I failed.

I understand what you feel. What a stupid girl I am, seems cockily ditch her boyfriend whose sacrificed so much, she's forever in debt. But babe... You know I love you so much. If I knew you'd come, I'd decide the other way around.

I probably won't be there at your show. You will never find me in Manila. Maybe it's not this time. But I promise I will meet you halfway. I'll sacrifice twice as huge as what you have done to me. You know I will. But maybe not now.

I'm longing for a meeting with you. Let's kiss at the corner of the block again. It's been adventurous, the time we've spent. And I'd like to venture more. With you.

Please don't leave.

Love,
Ally

Sent. I buried my face closer to the torn, messy heartbeat. Hope Connor would read and understand. Because I wasn't ready to see his back turned at me.