My Shadow

Chapter 8

Spirit (Essa's best friend)

It's been a week since I've talked to Essa. Her and her mystery guy. Then a few day days ago a mystery guy said that she cares about me. Honestly I don't deserve it. I want to be free. Free from everything.

It's hard to be free from things when you're seventeen. I have to finish school and everything. I haven't even shown up to school the last three days.

I'm not ready to face her. I was so mean to her. I don't deserve her. She texts me everyday. I ignore them all though. I haven't even looked at a single one. I feel guilty. She doesn't deserve me.

I keep telling myself she's better without but how true can that be. We've been friends for years. Honestly though we didn't become best friends until she broke up with her ex.

"Spirit get down here." My mother yelled. Either my dad's back or it's my brother who is trying to get to know me. Maybe yet it's one of mom's new love interests. I crawled out of bed and down stairs. It was my father.

"What do you want?" I didn't want to hear them out. Dad was a cheater and a liar. It wasn't fair. He could just abandon his family when ever he felt like it. Did he not care about me or the woman he was married to for eighteen years? Did he even try to make it work?

"Spirit, honey, I miss you and we would think it was beneficial if you moved in with me." My father said. can't believe them.

"Why? You just want me to leave my life? I can but I'm not moving in. especially not with you." Did they not see how serious I was about running away I could move in with Essa I know she would let me. I knew her and her mom didn't have a great relationship but I could. Who are you kidding? You've been ignoring her. She won't want you.

"Sweetheart, you've been missing school. We're just worried about you."  My dad said calmly. I hate him, them. I hated his ability to stay calm in every situation.

"I'm sure. Thats why you suddenly care. I'll be out of your hair by morning if thats what you want. You won't have to worry about me anymore." I said furiously. I can't believe Im doing this. I can't stay with Essa I don't deserve to.

"Honey, don't go. It's not that I don't want you here it's just you've been having a tough time. You won't tell me why and I thought maybe you would be more open with it to your other family members." My mom soothed.

No, she was right I was shutting everyone out. I need to get away for a couple days. I practically ran to my room. I heard her yell at my dad. Thats all they did now was yell. I packed a bag. A bag that would sit there until I unpacked it. Until I put everything back where it belonged.

I just couldn't do that to my mom. I started crying. I love my mom. I love Essa so why am I like this. They don't deserve this.

Dear diary,
For the billionth time I'm thinking this way again. They don't deserve me. I'm not good enough for the life I have right now. I just can't keep it together. Everything I do is for them. Everything I did. I feel like it isn't worth it anymore. Wait, I'm classicly depressed. I need help. No you don't it's normal everyone will understand. You have a lot going on. I hurt Essa I'm just like that guy said. She cares about me. I'm alone now because I chose to be so. I need to change it.
Today dad said I need to move in with them. He seems fine without. Not just fine great. I decided that I'll stop pushing away the ones I love except for dad. He doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve me. I cheated on my mom. You know how wrong that is. Very wrong. I promise to be a better person from now on I've been a horrible friend and a horrible daughter. I hope they'll forgive me.
Sincerely,
Spirit

I heard a knock on my door. I knew it was my mom. I sighed and let her in. I knew she was worried about me. After all I did just threaten to run away. My mom looked so lost my heart broke. I knew she loved me. She loved me more than anything. It was just me and her now. I couldn't leave.

"I'm sorry mom, I didn't mean it. I just don't want him in my life. He doesn't deserve that. Not after what he did. He broke apart the family that loved him." I whispered. My mom just nodded.

"I've been worried about you. I know it's hard on you. You loved him so much. You were a daddy's girl, Always were. Now what about some dinner." My mom said quietly. I just nodded and followed her downstairs.

She made a wonderful meal. We ended up spending time together. We played board games, card games, and everything else. It was midnight by the time we were done. I knew I'd make it up to Essa I just didn't know when.

First I would have to forgive myself I had a long list of people to apologize to. Although I couldn't do it until I have forgiven myself. I wasn't ready to. Hopefully they didn't suffer while waiting for me to forgive. I will just hopefully it's not too late.

People I need to apologize to,
1. Myself
2. My mom
3. Essa
4. My dad
5. My dad's girlfriend
6. My brother (oh my gosh I have a brother. I always wished for a sibling.)

People I need to thank.
1. My mom
2. Essa
3. Mystery guy
4. Myself