I'm Not Gay

I'm Not Gay. He told me so.

There's that one defining moment in everybody's life. The moment that you can't get out of your head, the one where you know that everything was going to change right after it, and today was that moment for me. 

"I'm gay."

The words had shot from my mouth, barely more than a whisper, but I felt like I had shouted them out loud despite the chattering of the students around us. They echoed over and over again in my mind, taunting me almost at the silence that followed right after I said them. 

I'm gay. 

I'm gay. 

I'm gay. 

"Dean?"

"Huh? What? Are you talking to me?" Dean pulled out his ear buds, his green eyes meeting mine. He flashed me a guilty smile. "Sorry, I've been on a Bon Jovi fixation ever since he released American Reckoning." 

"So you didn't hear a word I just said?" I asked for confirmation. He shook his head. 

"No, why?"

I swallowed harshly. Today didn't have to be that defining moment for me. I could just say I asked about the exam that was coming up in our history class. I was sure that my best friend wouldn't think anything of it, yet...the more I tried to come up with reasons as to why I shouldn't repeat the words I had said earlier, the more I started to remember why I had said them in the first place. 

I was tired. I was tired of pretending to be someone I wasn't. Tired of having to be just as interested in women as they were in me. I had been hiding my sexuality for years now and every year that passed only got harder and harder. As much as I wanted to take advantage of this replay moment, I also knew that I would just be back to square one all over again: unhappy. I cleared my throat. "I said, I'm gay." I whispered softly.

"Oh, cool. Hey, are you going to eat the other half of that?"

I blinked, watching as Dean reached over to pluck the other half of my sandwich off my lunch tray before I even had the chance to answer him. Not that I could've, since I was too busy wondering whether or not he heard me or if the Bon Jovi song was still ringing in his ears.

"Um..."

"What? Do I got something on my face?"

Yes, I thought to myself, seeing a spot of mustard on the corner of his lip, but that wasn't what I was concerned about right now. "I just...well, aren't you going to say something?" I asked. I mean, this was a better reaction than I had been expecting but...what the hell? I'd be struggling for months now to tell my best friend and he has the audacity to act like it was no big deal?

He shrugged, mouth full of food. "What's there to say?"

"Aren't you curious?"

"Not the kind of curious you apparently are." I rolled my eyes, seeing him take another bite of the sandwich as he watched me from across the cafeteria table, green eyes bored and disinterested. "You like weenies instead of hotdogs buns. Wood instead of lips. Popping through back doors instead of popping cher-"

"Y-yes! Now can you please stop?" I stammered, feeling my face turn all shades of red.

He shrugged indifferently. "You're the one who said it, not me. What's the big deal?" I stared at him incredulously. "Lemme guess. You took one of those lame ass 'Are you gay' quizzes and it said yes?"

I took ten of them actually. "What does it matter?" I said instead. "It doesn't change anything. I'm still gay, Dean."

"Mhmm."