I'm Not Gay

I'm Not Gay. That's What He Kept Telling Himself.

I'm Not Gay. That's What He Kept Telling Himself.

"To be honest, I didn't expect to hear from you."

I smiled awkwardly, twiddling my thumbs as I sat in the passenger seat of his car. "I didn't think so either, if that's any cancelation." I said honestly, leaning back in the heated leather seats. 

Gabe raised a brow. "So I'm guessing if I ask you why you called me at eleven clock at night on a school night, that you won't tell me?" I gave him an apologetic smile. "Yeah, I figured as much." He sighed, waving me off to look back out the window again.

I mean, it wasn't that I didn't want to tell Gabe what happened between Dean and I. I knew he'd probably understand what it felt like to be judge by the people you care about, but I just wasn't sure if I could. Honestly, the whole thing was making my heart ache and it was killing me.

Why was Dean such an idiot?

"This wouldn't have anything to do with Dean Wesson would it?" He asked after a moment and I peeked at him curiously.

"Thought you didn't expect any answers from me?"

"What about if I guess?" He suggested, brown eyes flickering over to mine. "Three guesses, and you tell me if I'm warm or cold. Deal?" I nodded slowly. "Okay, lemme see here....you guys had a fight," he said slowly, "about...you being gay?"

"Warm," I muttered, "but there's more to it," I added and he nodded, as if he already knew that.

"So you guys had a fight about you being gay, and you stormed off because you couldn't stand being around him?" Wasn't that obvious? I thought, about to say as much, until I heard the next words that came out of his mouth. "Because not only did you have to hear from your best friend that he doesn't like you being gay, but because you also had to hear it from the guy you've been crushing on since forever right?"

I stared at him.

"Super hot now, I'm guessing?" he offered, and when I didn't say anything he sighed. "Oh, come on, Sam. Relax. I'm not mad or anything."

"I..." shit shit shit. Why couldn't I speak?

Gabe shook his head. "I get it, man. Relax. I knew it the second I saw you glaring at him and the girl he was dancing with at that party."

"Then why'd you kiss me?" I managed out, heart pounding against my chest, and he smiled at me, pulling up in front of my house before he turned in his seat to stare at me.

"Because I wasn't gonna let some silly crush get in the way of dating you." I blinked at him. Silly? Gabe must've seen the look on my face because he sighed. "Sam...look, there's two kinds of people in this world. People who are worth fighting for and people who aren't, and not to be cruel or anything but...if Dean won't even try and accept you for who you are, why are you still fighting for him?"

Because he's Dean, came my automatic response, because he's been my best friend since we were kids. Because I can't imagine a life where Dean's not in it. Because-

"I used to be in the same spot, believe it or not," Gabe said, snapping me back to attention. "I spent years trying to get them to see me as something other than a friend and you wanna know how it ended?"

My eyes watered.

"Ask me how it ended, Sam."

I shook my head.

"Why not?"

"Because...because I can't let him go," I whispered, wiping at my eyes when the tears started to fall. "Gabe, I've tried...I'm trying, that's why I'm with you." And he nodded in understanding, reaching out to cup my face in his soft warm hands. Warm hands that a part of me couldn't stop but compare them to Dean's.

"You have to stop letting him hold you back, Sam. You can't try and move forward when you're letting him control everything, okay?" His eyes softened. "I like you, Sam. I like how you mouth the words when you read, and how your eyes light up whenever someone talks about art and history. I just...I like you, Sam. Don't you like me?" And I nodded, because I should like him. I should want to be with a guy like Gabe, a guy who could kiss me and take all the pain and anger and hurt and disappointment away.

But the more we kissed, I just knew...I just knew that the second we pulled apart it would all be back again, and Dean...Dean would still be on my mind. Because I should like Gabe, problem was, should wasn't the right answer here.