I'm Not Gay

I'm Not Gay. (Dean) 

I didn't expect any of this to happen. I didn't expect John to tell me that we were leaving tonight. I didn't expect my heart to clench and ache at what I was leaving behind.

And I didn't expect to find Sam sitting on the steps in front of my house, soaking wet from head to toe from the rain outside.

"What're you doing here?" I frowned, approaching Sam as his head lifted up so his gaze could catch mine. He looked like a mess with his brown hair sticking to the sides of his face, framing his puppy dog eyes. I would've teased him about it, if I wasn't still hurting from the cold look those eyes had given me earlier.

"Waiting for you," he said, dropping his gaze again. "I heard you were leaving town."

"The state actually," I said calmly, or at least, I tried to. I didn't think I'd have to tell Sam about this. I thought I would just pack my bags and leave. This though...this was harder.

"When were you gonna tell me?"

"Honestly?"

He nodded.

"I wasn't." His eyes snapped up to mine. "What? I thought you wouldn't care, what with Gabe being in your life now."

"Dean..."

"I was going to earlier," I cut off, turning my head to the side to stare out at the neighbor's lawn, "but you seemed just fine without me so I didn't see the point."

He stayed silent for a moment, and for a second, I thought he'd look me in the eye and say that I was right. That he didn't need me and that he was only doing this out of a formality, but instead, he looked at me and said, "Castiel told me." And he didn't need to say anything more than that, because in that instant, I knew. I knew that Sam knew.

Is that why he was here? I wondered, because he felt sorry for me?

"What? That I'm moving?" I tried to play off, but Sam wasn't having it. 

"You know exactly what I mean," he frowned, "Dean, it's okay. Actually...it's good that he told me about your little crush because I-"

"Crush? On you?" I chuckled, seeing his brows furrow in confusion. I shook my head. "Sam, there is no crush."

"Dean, you don't have to lie-"

"I'm not gay," I spat, my eyes snapping over to his. "I'm not like you, Sam." And I could see how harsh my words were to him, see his body jolt back as if I slapped him, and my mind screamed at me to apologize. To take back the glare in my eyes and the venom in my voice, but my heart begged me to keep going, to stop the pain that's been growing in it every since Sam left me. "I don't know what Castiel told you, but he's lying, okay?" Stop. "I don't like you." Please. "I'm not a fag."

And I felt all his pain in that single punch.

My head snapped to the side, my jaw screaming out in agony as Sam's fist connected with it, and I didn't even bother fighting back, because I knew I deserved it. Sure, Sam had hurt me. He had ignored me, pushed me away, and stared at me with cold emotionless eyes, but he had never  hurt me the way I just hurt him. He had never made me feel ashamed of myself.

But maybe it was for the best.

He wouldn't feel guilty about me liking him, and he could go back to loving Gabe again. That's what Sam wanted, wasn't it?

"You should go," I muttered, keeping my head angled away from him. "I need to pack."

 Sam chuckled bitterly, staring at me in disbelief. "Yeah, I guess I should." He brushed passed me, his elbow hitting my side as he started walking down my driveway, and I was just about to head inside when he spoke again. "You know, Dean...I don't know why I thought you were better than this," he spat, his gaze burning into the back of my head. "I guess Gabe was right."

"About?" I croaked.

"That you'd hurt me in the end...I don't know why I ever wasted my time telling him differently." Then he spun on his heel and walked away, my hands twitching with every step.

Don't worry, Sammy, I thought to myself, everything will be okay now. You can move on with your life and I can move on with mine. It was better this way.

That way you can't hurt me.

And I can't hurt you.