I'm Not Gay

He's Not Gay. Except That He Really Is.

He's Not Gay. Except That He Really Is. (Dean)

"You told me this was supposed to be bible study."

I smiled sheepishly at Castiel, reaching over across the library table and shutting his book. "Yeaaaaah, about that..." He groaned, shaking his head in disbelief.

"I should've known you were lying," he sighed and I gave him another awkward smile. "Alright, alright. So if you didn't call me here for that, then why'd you call me?"

"Well..." Now this was the hard part. You see, Castiel and I weren't really that close. In fact, I only knew of him because I had chemistry with the guy and he was the one always sitting up front asking the teacher questions. However, he was also the only guy in the school who had a gay brother: Gabriel. "So ah, how do you deal with it?" I blurted, seeing the guy tilt his head and furrow his brows in confusion.

"Do what?"

"You know..." He stared at me blankly. "I mean...your brother...he's uh, you know..."

"A boy?" He said dryly and I glared at him. "What? You act like if you say the word gay you're gonna turn into one."

"I just..." I frowned, running a hand through my hair thoughtfully. How do I put this... "I just don't know how to act," I admitted, somehow finding an odd comfort in the boy in front of me. Something about those innocent blue eyes of his just made it easy for me to tell him the truth.

His eyes sparkling in understanding. "That's why you and Sam aren't talking," he murmured, and just hearing him say those words out loud hurt. Yeah. We weren't, and its been three days. Three days. Yeah, it took me that long before I reached out to Castiel, and I hated myself for it.

"Just tell me how you deal with it so I can stop hurting my best friend," I frowned, making him look back up at me again. 

"What's there to deal with?" He asked, and when I didn't answer right away he shook his head. "Dean, being gay doesn't mean anything."

"Uh, I beg to differ," I snorted and he rolled his eyes.

"What? Just because he likes guys all of a sudden he's not the same guy anymore? Do you really think Gabe's never been this obnoxious before?" I wrinkled my nose at the mention of his brother's name. "Exactly. Gabe's always been this way and just because he dates guys doesn't make him any different than the brother who sticks my hand in a warm cup of water when I'm sleeping." I laughed a little and Castiel beamed at that, straightening up a little in his seat. "You know I'm right, don't you? I mean, has Sam changed at all to you after he told you that?"

I paused at that, thinking back to the past few days. "I suppose not." If I don't count the 'I wanna kiss a boy' and 'I suddenly find Gabriel Novak attractive', Sammy's basically been the same guy he's always been.

"Then why are you so uncomfortable with it?" Castiel asked quieter, staring at me with those curious blue eyes. And it was like he was trying to figure something out, like he had a question in his mind but he wasn't going to ask it, and all I could do was stare back for a moment before I had to avert my gaze and look down at my hands, which were limp in my lap.

"Because...because...."

Because I want to be the only guy Sam adores, I finished silently, a frown on my lips. He would always look up at me like I was the greatest guy in the world. Like I was his big brother or something. Someone cool, but now that he's gay he'll be staring at another guy like that. Another guy will be getting that awed look in Sammy's eyes and it bugged me. Why couldn't I be the only guy Sam found interesting? Is that so wrong?

The final bell rang and I stood up abruptly from my seat, nearly knocking my chair back. "I uh, really should start going," I managed out, ignoring the even more curious look on Castiel's face. "I wanna catch Sam before he starts walking home. Uh, thanks, Cas." The boy blinked owlishly at me and I managed one last smile before I rushed out the library.

Please still be walking home, I begged silently, rushing through the hallway, because if you're riding home with Gabriel now....I shook my head at myself. It'd be all my fault if he was. I was the jerk who didn't talk to him for three days.

I frowned.

Gods, I don't know how he puts up with me.