I'm Not Gay

I'm Not Gay. I Just Wanna Kiss A Guy.

I'm Not Gay. I Just Wanna Kiss A Guy.

We were sitting in gym class when I said it.

To be honest, I hadn't meant to. I was just thinking out loud, really. Wondering if maybe my way would be more efficient than Dean's. Of course, once I said it and he heard it, I immediately knew that it was a mistake.

"Y-you what?" Dean choked, water dripping down his chin as he threw his water bottle in the grass beside us. The green eyes that had once been focused on the girls running around the track were now trained on me. And unlike them, I wasn't happy with the look I was getting.

I chuckled awkwardly. "I was just saying...."

"I know what you were saying," Dean cut in, shaking his head in disbelief. "I just can't believe you actually said it."

I sighed. "You can't say it's never occurred to you."

"It hasn't, Sam. Not even once." I looked away now, trying not to show how hurt I was about it. And it wasn't that I needed Dean's permission to do this, I could do it if I really wanted to.

But I wanted my friend to be there afterwards.

"Let's just forget about it," I mumbled and he snorted, placing his hands on the grass behind him so he could lean back on them.

"Kinda hard to forget my best friend saying that he wants to kiss a guy." I winced. And even though his words stung, a part of me knew that Dean didn't really mean it that way. He didn't mean to sound like a dick, but he was never good with words. Sure, Dean could flirt the pants off any girl, but when it came to complicated things- these types of things - he was so brutally honest it was almost rude.

So why did it still hurt?

Because it seems like he wants you to realize you're straight, not the other way around. But what if I was? Did that matter?

Would I lose Dean if I was?

"Shit, man. Don't cry. I didn't mean it like that." Dean's voice cut into my thoughts and I blinked, surprised to see how watery my vision had suddenly gotten. Great, Sam, just what you needed right now. To feed Dean's stereotypical view on gays. I wiped angrily at my eyes, turning my head away from him.

"I'm not crying," I muttered and it was silent for a moment before I felt a nudge on my shoulder. Then another. And another.

Don't look at him, Sam. Let him feel just as bad as you are...don't you dare look at him-aaaand you're looking at him, I thought with a sigh, unable to help myself.

"What?"

"Do you remember that promise we made to each other in eighth grade? The one after your parents split," Dean said, catching me off guard.

My lips twitched. Yeah, I remembered alright. "Woah, are you going soft on me now?"

He snorted, shoving me harder this time. "No. I just don't want you crying like a lil bitch anymore." I laughed and turned around, catching the blush on his cheeks that he tried to hide with the glare in his eyes.

"Are you blushin-"

"Finish that comment. I dare you," he threatened and I held up my hands innocently.

"I'm not saying anything."

"That's what I thought...bitch."

"Jerk."

And we sat there for the rest of the period, Dean talking about the hottest girl on the track, and me thinking about his words from earlier. Remember that promise we made?  Gods, how could I forget? It was the one thing that kept me from falling apart.

"I just feel so alone right now..."

"And what am I, Caspar?" Dean snorted, sitting down beside me on the sidewalk.

"No but..." What if you leave me too? I thought bitterly, my eyes searching his. And maybe he saw the pain in them. The pleading for him to stay with me, because suddenly he was hugging me, our knees awkwardly knocking against each other as we sat and hugged each other.

"Look, I know it sucks right now, and I can't promise that the pain will get easier, but there is something that I can promise. When it comes to us, man, that's the one thing you'll never lose. Okay? I promise, Sammy. You're stuck with me."

I smiled, eyes softening as I continued to stare at Dean.

Huh...maybe Dean wasn't so bad when it came to the complicated things after all.