I DO <3

Chasing Pavements

CHASING PAVEMENTS

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RAF'S POV

Shit! I want to rip my hair out cause until now I haven't changed!

I'm still the old Rafmarine Simon that can never grow balls! Well, not literally of course. I like my body just the way it is but that's beside the point! Okay, back to what I was saying.

I fucking hate myself.

Turn back, turn back, turn back!

I rant over and over in my head but my feet keep walking and walking away. My friend kept glaring at me, silently telling me to turn back and tell Gar everything but I'm too scared to hear what she's gonna say.

Will I ever have the courage to face her and say the words that I so wanted to tell her?

"What are you just gonna let her walk away? Again?" Daph snapped at me when I was just a few feet away.

The past three months had been hell for me and one time, along those days that I really need someone to listen to me, Daph was there and she's been such a good friend. We weren't that close until that one fateful day that I broke down. Actually it was the day of my supposed to be "wedding" but then it didn't happened. It almost did. Just almost.

I really can't believe it didn't happen.

Yeah, I figure marrying him is the right choice or the wise thing to do but it turned out that it was the most stupid decision I've made. I should have done something, I should have known what was good for me, for us. I should have but I didn't cause I'm a fucking loser.

The moment that Paul stopped the wedding, yes he did, it felt like I can breathe again. I was too much suffocated with trying to hold on to something that felt like an obligation rather than freewill.

I can't do this. Those are the words that he said moments before the priest formally legalized our wedding. I was too much in shock when I heard it. It felt like I'm hearing things because I was praying so hard that someone would say it. I just didn't realize it would be Paul.

Only Paul would do something as selfless as that and it hurts me that I'm the one who hurt him. I saw it in his eyes. He was regretting saying it and yet he still did. He wanted to take the words back but instead he man up and told me something I didn't expect to hear him say.

"I love you so much to do this to you." He said that looking straight into my eyes with such emotion that makes me wanna cry my heart out. "I don't want you to be with me when it's clearly that you're not happy, when I feel like I'm being an ass for not accepting the fact that I'm not the one you're inlove with. I don't want you to feel like you need to love me. I want you to be in love with me but I guess I failed."

And with those words he left me standing infront of the altar shocked by everything that happened. His word is a slapped to my face. I thought I was doing a good job hiding my pain but I guess Paul saw right through my act.

Those are his exact words and I know I'm the one to blame for the scars I left in him.

If only I can change the way I feel, I would cause anyone is lucky to be with him. But now, I just pray he finds someone good for him.

Someone who can love him beyond the word love.

"---are you even listening to what I'm saying?" Daph, who's looking frustrated with me, shook her head. "I am not just gonna stand here and watch you throw away your chance. Do you hear me?"