Loving Mystery (Ang P.O.V. ng Babaeng Sawi)

1.14. The Slipshod Mind of Mine

I always make it a point to see the world in its goodness.

And I know for certain that Love was something good, something beautiful, something inspiring.

Pero, may problema 'eh. Simula nang tinanggap ko 'tong baliw na damdamin ko para kay Ivan hindi na magagandang bagay ang nangyayari sa akin, mga pagbabagong hindi naman masama pero hindi din naman tama. Worst, I don't feel inspired. At all.

I've turned into a liar because of this crazy feeling. I've turned into a good damn liar for not letting him know. Dahil kapag nalaman niya 'to, maraming magbabago. 

"Hello, Zu!"

I looked at her face.

"Hi, Tori," sabi ko naman.

"Are you okay? You look kinda pale..." she said with her genuine worried face.

"I'm okay. Just got 4 hours of sleep..." walang kagana-gana kong sagot.

May binigay siyang kung ano sa akin at sinabing, "You take that. I brought stress relievers for the whole team. I know you've been through a lot of stress these couple of days and I know that would be of help." 

She even smiled. I smiled back and said, "Thank you, Tori."

"You're welcome," she said.

"Where's Ivan?" she added.

Lub. Dub. Lub. Dub. Lub. Dub.

Not now.

Now is not the right time to break apart.

I looked away and casually said, "He's in practice in his conservatoire."

"No strict orders?"

"None at all. No Do-Not-Disturb sign," I said and grinned. Me and my fakeness.

She laugh a little and went her way.  To Ivan.

Bakit kung kailan nandiyan na si Tori sa buhay niya, ngayon ko pa nagawang matanggap na meron na akong nararamdaman para sa kanya? Oo nga pala... Nauna si Tori... Nawala pero bumalik... At tinanggap siya ulit ni Ivan. Ulit. Ano lang ba ako sa 4 na taong naging relasyon nila? No. They're now 4 years and counting. Ano lang ba ako sa isang napaka-ganda at napaka-successful at napakabait na doktora slash dancer slash model slash philantrophist? Isa lang akong hamak na personal assistant.

Ano lang ba ako?

Isang babaeng na friend zone, masokistang babaeng na friend zone.
Ang sarap ng ibagok ng ulo ko sa pader!

I went to Ivan's conservatoire. He's glass studio full of mirrors. You know what, I have this favorite spot where I could just look at him dancing fluidly like he does have wings like he's flying as long as I want and without him knowing. I went in my favorite spot.

Could I be this lucky? They're playing my newest favorite Vain song. Cliche.

It's nothing upbeat, it's a slow rock love song. The song is like narration of a story about a boy and a girl from different worlds, two different worlds apart. And because of that force called "Destiny", the two meet up and fall in love with each other. But as far as Love is concerned Pain is always present with Hurt, Regrets and Sacrifices. All for the cliche of Love, they had to fight for each other and ended up hurting one another because one of them had to go and one had to stay. 

And guess what? They're making an on the spot dance routine for that same song. If I had not known about my feelings about Ivan, I'd be too astonished to witness all of these. They're just too good to be true, too perfect for each other. And too bad for me…