Female Robbery (Z.M)

08. s'not right

Zayn P.O.V

I need for this plane to land so that I can stop thinking about Alina. Hard not too when she's right there. In this small confining space. I couldn't stop looking at her and she looked back at me. That's all we did.

Just exploring every part until we settled on our faces. Alina Baraz is the beautifulest girl I've seen. Not because she had this striking beauty that stood out. It was a simple plain beautiful. Just natural so she didn't have to try as hard. Worst part is that I've kissed her.

I'd rather die than to feel anything for anyone. Yet my body painful aches to be near her. I want to do the one thing I'm good at. Excelled even.

Fucking.

I wasn't myself, it's an escape. Sometimes I can't sleep because of this job. I don't complain much because it provides the bread and stones. Meaning it pays the luxurious lifestyle I had also thanks to this job. Sometimes though I really question if this is worth it.

There's one sale that haunts me to this day. Susan Westwood. She was only 9 but I didn't know that. I am told who and where because that's all we need to know. We don't care about details. It made them seem like real people. The less we knew, the guilt is easy to handle. You don't know them.

Susan didn't even appear to be a child. Nearly half of my height and an amazing striking beauty. The child didn't talk and neither did I, never bothered too. Early on in the captivation I establish my dominance so they girls don't test me.

I slipped back then. I realized late her age. Had I known I would have never done the deal. Passed it on to someone else because I don't want the title of child trafficker. Women sure that's whatever but little kids are a whole different thing. I didn't want that shit on my conscious. Yet it was to late to wish for that.

I should have known.

The Captain announces that we had 3 hours of flight. Then I could leave Alina where she is prepared for the next stop. I have to pull out of whatever is compelling me to want Alina. It wasn't a physical want only.

I want to comfort her but there's no point I'm handing her over. Out of sight, out of mind right? I never made the choice to care for someone. Not smart and it's reckless. Same thing with kids it blinds your peripheral vision only seeing what's in front of you. Not the whole picture.

Emotions are powerful and of power.

When you love someone, truly love them, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt-you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul. And when they do strike, it's crippling-like having your heart carved out.

I don't ever plan to be put in that position. In this world and the life I live. Loving someone or something can be taken from you. You come to accept that you'll live a life of loneliness and temporary pleasures.
Only because that's the only thing that is safe and no one gets harmed.

I have many head counts on me but I repel to add a loved one to that. I've never loved anyone if I truly think about it. I've had women in my life but only for sex. I've yet to establish an emotional connection to a woman. I don't desire it. I don't believe in it.