Jump. //Jai Courtney Fanfiction

forty

Ayla

January 1st:

"I don't even know why I'm upset," I quickly pulled away from Jai.

I rubbed my hands slightly over my eyes and tucked my hair behind my ears.

"I don't care about him. I don't think about him anymore. Why am I letting this bother me?" I slowly exhaled and tried to recompose myself. "Why am I even crying?"

I knew I was drunk but somewhere in my body, that sane girl could tell what was going on. Though she was fighting with this intoxicated one that just wanted to keep drinking. What am I thinking?

"You. You're the one I care about. I shouldn't be wasting my fucking tears on him. I don't care about him. Or that he has a kid. I just," I turned away from Jai and pressed my palms against my eyes once more. "I just wish that I never met him."

I couldn't help but chuckle at my words. Jai continued to stand quietly in the closet opposite of me. His hands now in his pockets and his saddened eyes on me.

"I wish I knew what to say," he quietly commented as I turned back to face him.

I wiped my face, pulling away more stray mascara that made its way under my eyes thanks to the tears and my hands.

"You know that if I ever see him again I won't be able to stop myself from killing him," his jaw tensed as he spoke. "You're upset because unfortunately he was a substantial part of your life not terribly long ago."

I looked down and fumbled my hands around. I felt embarrassed all of a sudden.

"And that wasn't your fault. He treated you like garbage. You can't help but feel the way you do. As if the things he did to you weren't bad enough, you found out something new," his words bit and he walked closer to me. "Don't apologize for acting the way you are right now. You're upset. You have every right to be upset. I'll do whatever I can to make you forget him. But even if you can't, that's okay."

I half-smiled up at the one man that held my heart so tightly, admiring every word and every bit of composure he had right now. I felt another tear trickle down my face before a few more followed. Apparently I had broken this crying seal. It's already been started, extra tough for me to make it stop at this point.

I growled at myself and wiped more of them away before looking back up to my husband. I could kick my own ass for this situation right now.

"I love you," I crackily purred to him. "I'm going to go get some wine. I don't want to be done drinking. Drink more with me?"

I asked and slipped by him before giving him a real chance to answer. I left our bedroom quickly and headed downstairs. Looking at him longer with the thoughts of Brian just made me angry. Get out of my head.

I made it to the kitchen and pulled down two wine glasses. I set them in front of me then placed my palms on either side. I tried taking several deep breaths to regain calmness and stop anymore tears from flowing. I closed my eyes and tried thinking of every meditation technique that I could at that moment.

I don't even remember the last time that I cried over him. Even when I told Jai about my past with him I didn't feel such a strong urge to cry. Are my emotions that out of control right now? Is it the alcohol? Is it because we're trying to get pregnant? Is it the fact that I'm married now to a man that works far from home a lot and as much as I convince myself that it doesn't bother me, it actually does? I don't know what it is.

Confessing to Jai my concerns before we went out, I did that because I thought it would help. I think it did a little.

After a few more deep breaths, I stood up straight and walked over to grab the new bottle of Chianti that sat on the counter. I quickly uncorked it and came back to the glasses. As I was about to pour when I felt my husband press up against against me and cover my hand with his. Under his control, we poured the wine nearly to the top of both glasses. Once the bottle was released Jai put his hands around my waist. His lips connected with my neck briefly before pulling away.