I know what it's doing to my body. But it doesn't scare me at all. What I do to myself could kill me any second now. But somehow I am not afraid of it. what I do to myself feels like death anyways, so actual death can't be that bad. Losing weight boost my confidence, if I gain weight I feel guilty and bad about myself. I fear of gaining weight. I don't fear losing myself because I'm already gone. Not physically but mentally. my stomach growls "Feed me feed me" it cries, Ana answers back with "shut up you're only going to make this girl fat. my body is constantly arguing and complaining. I don't know what to do about it. All I know is, it's driving me insane. My problem is that I overthink too much. I constantly worry about everything and every little thing that could happen. Even things that could never happen. I don't just blame society for what it has done to me, I also blame myself. I blame myself for everything. I feel like this will never stop, like a never ending game of runaway. I know I need help, but I don't want any, they'll only make me fat. If I got help, all my work would be flushed down the toilet, just like my food... Ana tells me that there is nothing wrong with me, that I am not sick. I don't do this for attention I don't do it for anyone else. I do this by myself for myself and for no one else. Anorexia is something that will probably be in my life forever. it's not something that can be easily cured. I do this as pleasure for myself, not for anyone else. I don't want to stop, I can't be stopped, I will never stop...
