new beginnings

Nightmares

Hours after my talk with Father Gabriel, the sun started setting. I had spent the entire day with Jordan alone in my house, not telling anyone where we were.

Little words were spoken, as neither of us wanted to say anything, just think. It was too early to talk anyway. We didn't eat, or read, or nothing entertaining. The ticking clock was all that was heard for hours on end.

Eventually we got up and went back over to Sarah's house. I tried my best to put on a happy face while Jordan's was pale and depressed. We walked into the door and smelled something good, food-wise. The kitchen was bright and cheerful, unlike the living room which was dark and gloomy.

"Hi, kids!" Sarah's polite and happy self greeted us. I half-smiled and made my way to the kitchen table. Jordan helped Sarah serve the good-smelling food, which was buttered toast and tomato soup. Something hot to eat sounded nice.

I looked around the room. "Where's Sam?"

A few seconds later I realized what I had said. I was so used to him showing up right as dinner began.

"Sorry," I looked down and said just as Sarah was about to correct me.

"It's okay. I sometimes think like that too," Sarah patted my back and looked down, sad.

"Let's eat," Sarah quickly said to erase the mournful atmosphere from the room. Jordan looked confused from the short conversation, but said nothing. The other two sat down and we began eating altogether. The dinner practically finished as soon as it started, no conversation.

Jordan and I went upstairs and got ready for bed, even if it was early. We were both exhausted, anyway. She undressed and put on a baggy t-shirt and pajama pants.

Jordan curled into the bed right as I finished changing. I wore a white t-shirt and some gym shorts. I threw my hat onto the floor beside the bed and got in with her. I cuddled with her as tears fell down her face onto the pillow. I stayed quiet and just held onto her.

She fell asleep a few minutes later, but I stayed restless for a long time until I fell asleep.

I awoke later, waking up from a nightmare in a cold sweat. I breathed hard and blew the hair out of my face after realizing that it was just a dream.

The nightmare wasn't just a dream. It happened. I relived Mom's death again for the first time in months. The last time it happened I woke up Dad and cried in front of him. He comforted me anyway, but he wasn't there to do it this time, and I didn't even think to wake up Jordan, who was asleep peacefully.

I rose from the bed quietly and picked up my crutches. I hoped the noise from the crutches hitting the floor wouldn't wake her up. They didn't. I got out of the room and down the stairs without making much noise.

Nervous from the nightmare, I got a bottle of water and took a few sips, trying to recuperate.

More miserable than I have been in a long time, I almost started to cry. But my eyes glazed over instead. My focus was now on a small knife right by the stove.

Something told me to go and pick it up, which I trotted across the kitchen and retrieved. I looked out the window and saw the half-moon, which was covered by clouds.

I looked down to the knife, and then looked at my wrist.

I might as well end it now.

My thoughts flooded my head, all positive, none about how others would feel. I kept thinking that once I did it, it would be the end.

No more pain or suffering. No more hobbling around with one leg and without one eye. No more walkers. No more worries. No more drama.

I took a breath in and through the tears, I clenched my teeth and slashed my wrist.

Blood quickly drenched me and the floor. I heavily sobbed and dropped the knife, gazing at the wound. It felt painless.

The lights turned on and I heard a horrified gasp from the kitchen doorway. I let go of the crutches and fell to the hard floor. Blood was all over my face and clothes. My sobbing became louder and louder and someone rushed to my side.

Sarah.

"Carl!" She yelled, stunned at the sight in front of her.

"Oh, oh-oh my God!" She yelled. She didn't know what to do.

She tried to approach me but I snapped at her. "Get the fuck away!" I yelled.

Jordan came rushing down the stairs and took one look at me and froze.

Sarah ran over to the front door and slammed it open.

"Help, help! Oh, my God! Someone!" Sarah yelled to the streets of Alexandria. I heard doors from outside open and rushed footsteps coming closer.

Jordan ran over to my side. "Go away!" I yelled, exasperated.

"Carl..." Her voice trailed off, heartbroken. She didn't back off but instead cried out for help.

Other people ran into the room, asking tons of questions that weren't answered. People touched me and tried to pick me up, but I was too exhausted by the rush of it all to say anything.

"Let me fucking die!" I yelled as loud as I could.

I wasn't awake to see what happened next.